Reflective Parenting by Curious Neuron

Stop searching for parenting advice and try this instead

• Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. • Season 8 • Episode 1

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Have you ever felt crushed by the pressure to follow a specific parenting style perfectly? The weight of trying to fit into boxes labeled "positive parenting" or "conscious parenting" leaves many of us feeling inadequate and constantly seeking more information. What if there's a more sustainable approach?

The newly renamed Reflective Parenting Podcast launches with a powerful message: building emotional intelligence skills matters more than following perfect parenting scripts. After speaking with hundreds of parents, I've discovered a common pattern – parents frantically searching for specific advice for each developmental stage, yet never feeling competent or confident in their abilities.

Research shows that parents who struggle with emotional regulation tend to default to authoritarian parenting styles, creating chronically stressed homes and eventually teens who can't regulate their own emotions. This cycle continues unless we intentionally develop four critical domains of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, emotion regulation, parental awareness, and healthy relationship skills.

The reflective parenting approach isn't about memorizing what to say during tantrums or following rigid schedules. It's about developing your ability to pause, notice your emotional patterns, understand your child's unique needs, and respond from a place of genuine presence rather than reactivity. When we build these foundational skills, we gain the confidence to parent our specific children, not generic ones from parenting books.

Ready to break free from parenting labels and build genuine confidence? Join our Reflective Parent Club, where we focus on developing these essential skills together. Visit the link in the show notes to start with a 7-day free trial, or schedule a conversation about your specific parenting challenges. Let's become reflective parents together.

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Jo...

Speaker 1:

Hello, reflective Parents. Today is a big day for Curious Neuron. I've been wanting to make this move for a while because of the Reflective Parent Club and because of what we are trying to build here at Curious Neuron, and so my intro is no longer hello, my dear friend, although you are still my dear friend. It is hello, reflective Parents, because this is the Reflective Parenting Podcast. It is still everything that we do with Curious Neuron, but I want us to start using this language as we become reflective parents together.

Speaker 1:

Through science, through learning how to regulate our emotions, through the research and science around emotional intelligence, we, as parents, are building our confidence in becoming the parent we always envisioned to be, without using all of these definitions like positive parenting or conscious parenting, which I have nothing against. But after speaking with 100 parents, I've begun to realize now just how much pressure so many parents are placing on themselves in order to fit in these boxes. And the difference that I want to bring to this, the new wave or movement that I want to contribute to this, is that through reflective parenting, we are building skills skills around emotional intelligence, which includes self-awareness, regulating our emotions, awareness of what parenting looks like for our specific child, parenting looks like for our specific child, not the neighbors, not our friends. Our child and not just all our kids. Each one requires us to get to know them and if we can use everything that we've been doing here at Curious Neuron to build our confidence, to feel competent as a parent and feel like we are building the skills simply by reflecting and getting to know our kids, pausing and thinking about how we reacted to their behavior, then we together could become reflective parents.

Speaker 1:

I've been wanting to make this change for over a year now and I kept worrying about what if? What if I change the name of this podcast? What if? I don't know, people are not happy. But in the end, this is feeling true to the direction of Kirsten Ron that it's taken in the past year. It's true to what I'm hearing. You, parents, when I speak with you, grab a conversation, a chat with me. In the show notes I have my calendar link because I want to get to know you guys. Grab a talk with me.

Speaker 1:

And the more I do that, the more I realize that what we need to change when it comes to parenting is just simply gaining the skill to reflect, to think, to pause, to problem solve, to become that leader in our home that is confident, that feels competent, and all of that has to do with how we learn to regulate our emotions, build the self-awareness, learn how to parent our kids through simply getting to know them. So we need to put aside all of these definitions and forget about them. We can still read parenting books, which I still love, by the way. We can still read parenting books, which I still love, by the way. But if we continue to think that there's only one way to parent I meet people privately as well, and I see this within comments as well on social media where parents are feeling like they have to follow a certain kind of parenting and if their partner doesn't, it leads to arguments. And so if we together can say we have the best intention for our kid, number one and number two, I want to be the best version of myself for my child then I think this can align us in parenting in a way that makes the best or the most sense for us and the most sense for our child.

Speaker 1:

And so today's episode, the first episode of the Reflective Parenting Podcast, is about learning to kind of stop searching for parenting advice and really trying something instead, which is going to be building our skills, building our confidence and feeling competent right Because of the skills, and all of this will align with us feeling better and less overwhelmed and less stressed because we don't have to worry about what we say to our kids, we don't have to worry about a script. But if we are following the science of parenting, then we have a sort of guide and a compass and we're like then we have a sort of guide and a compass and we're like okay, I know that I need to teach my child right from wrong, I need to connect with them, and so how do I do both of that? Right now, in this moment, I'm going to try something and if it works, it works. If it doesn't work, tomorrow I'll try something different. So we're going to walk through what I'd love for you to start doing and, if you haven't done so yet, take a notebook and call that, you know, a reflective parent podcast or Curious Neuron, whatever you want. But in terms of the work that we are doing here at Curious Neuron, it's truly around reflective parenting, and so if you are a parent who says you know what, I am stuck in this rut of not thinking I'm doing the best for my child, or maybe not just not thinking, but worrying that I'm not doing the best for my child. Then grab a conversation with me. Click the link in the show notes. That's my calendar link. I'd love to hear more about your struggles.

Speaker 1:

This is the reason why I created the Reflective Parent Club. It's a program that's going to support you in learning not just about parenting. Actually, it's like 20% parenting, but the 80% of it is building skills specifically around learning how to regulate your emotions and focused around emotional intelligence. And so if we can apply the science of parenting and apply the science around emotional intelligence, we become more self-aware. We start to notice what triggers us with our child. We start to reflect and pause and think about why this is triggering us. Then we learn how to apply emotion regulation skills in the moment when we are triggered, and so we don't react to our kids. We respond and are more aware and conscious about why we're feeling a certain way in that moment. And so all of these are skills that I truly believe the parents need to build, and I will keep saying it because I feel that together as parents and our society, we really need to work on this, because I'm just seeing so many parents feel that they are not parenting in the way that they envisioned they wanted to parent, and they feel that things are more complicated and more difficult and more overwhelming, and I agree. But I do think that, although I can't change what is going on around you, we can work on how you feel in the same situation, we can work on what you're thinking in the same situation, and we can work on how you support yourself and how you show up for yourself in that same situation, and so changing all of this leads to that situation not feeling exactly the same, feeling less worrisome or feeling less overwhelming or less stressful, and yet we didn't change anything about it.

Speaker 1:

Before I begin, I'd like to thank the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute for supporting the Curious Nerd podcast. Without them, as well as the McConnell Foundation, this podcast would not be possible, and so thank you to both of these organizations who believe in the importance of science. And I'd also like to thank you, the listener, because numbers have been going up, and so you must be subscribing or sharing with friends and family, and if you haven't done so, please do so. It really helps move this podcast forward, but not only the podcast the mission that we have here at Curious Neuron is truly to support parental well-being, and the way that we are doing that is by giving you skills that can make a difference in your life not parenting skills truly, skills that support your own wellbeing, learning how to regulate your emotions and cope with emotions, because the reality is that most of us did not learn this growing up, and now, as parents, we have kids that we have to model healthy emotional coping skills, yet many of us don't know how, and so I want to give you these skills. I want to support your wellbeing, because there isn't much out there that's supporting us that way, and I also want you to parent your child in a way that feels good for you, and that's what we are going to talk about today. Also, by the way, if you haven't done so yet, please take a moment to rate the podcast and leave a review, and if you do it, send me an email at info at CuriousNeuroncom. I will send you Meltdown Mountain, which is our most popular PDF that we have sold on CuriousNeuroncom, and I want to send it to you for free, because I want to thank you for taking the time to do that, because leaving a review and a rating whether you're on Spotify or an Apple podcast makes a really big difference in the metrics and allows us to get the funding that we need, not for me, but for the team that helps me build this podcast. So thank you for doing that.

Speaker 1:

You know, part of the work that I do with Curious Neuron is having lots of conversations with parents, and most of the time I'm inspired by the parents. Most of the time, I just feel like there are so many parents out there that are looking for support, and so I feel that I want to be there for them. I want to feel like they're not alone, similarly to you listening. This is why I have continued the podcast for so long, and, although the podcast itself is a lot of work, I love doing this. I love the conversations that I'm having with experts and authors and clinicians, because I have you in mind, and so one thing that I've noticed lately is that I've been feeling more overwhelmed by my conversations because I'm kind of taking on the overwhelm from parents, especially new parents, of taking on the overwhelm from parents, especially new parents.

Speaker 1:

If I look around me, the new parents that I'm seeing have a different level of anxiety that I saw. When I was a new parent, 10 years ago now, I had worries and I was, you know, slightly anxious, I think after having my first child specifically. But I wasn't that worried about the timing of when she'd wake up or go to bed, or I wasn't as worried about the little things like if there was a sound machine or if it was extra dark or if there was a little bit of noise, and so on and so forth. I'm hearing so much of that from grandparents that I speak with, from new parents that I speak with, that are just so worried about everything in their child's environment. Am I talking enough to my child to support their development? Am I allowing them moments of play long enough? Am I with my child long enough? Should I be with them X amount of hours? Did I mess up in the way that I played with them today? Should I have read the book to them, or should I have let them play with the book? If they're eating the book, are they not learning? And it goes on and on and on.

Speaker 1:

And so part of me worries that new parents are getting this abundance of information because of the internet and parenting platforms, like myself through Curious Neuron. But what I'm worried about is that these parents are worried that they come or not, that they come outside, but that they need to fit inside this box for their child or else. Or else my child won't develop fast enough, or else my child won't learn enough words quickly enough. Right, and this is the part that I'm starting to get worried about. And so today, if you are a new parent, or if you're a new parent, or you are a parent with maybe one or two kids and you are worried about how you are parenting your child, maybe not, maybe the word is not worried Maybe you are not confident or feel like you're afraid that you might mess up. Right, you're anticipating you messing something up because you've never been a parent before.

Speaker 1:

Here's one thing I said to a parent inside our program called the Reflective Parent Club Even if I had a book for you that said exactly what you need to do, for how long the perfect recipe for your six-month-old, for how long the perfect recipe for your six-month-old by seven months it would change. By eight months this book would change. By 12 months, this book would change. By 15 months, this book would change. And so what we can't do, or what we can't continue doing is wanting to find the exact information for our child at the age that they are, because it's very overwhelming. We can continue to search, and search and search, which is what I heard from new parents when I interviewed 100 parents this summer, where parents were stuck in this.

Speaker 1:

I don't know I need to come up with a word for it but this hyper education mode of I just became a parent and so I'm going to follow every single parenting expert, read every single parenting book, go online and keep searching and get these apps that allow me to know exactly what to do today. But what if that app or website or person tells me to read two books a day to my newborn? And yesterday I fell asleep and I was, you know, I don't know. I didn't get the rest that I need, or whatever it is right, and instead of reading to my child while they were awake, I fell asleep, and so my partner was with them, or a grandparent, and then I forgot to read the two books, and now I'm a day behind, right? That is what I don't want parents to end up doing, because that is overwhelming.

Speaker 1:

In the end, what this leads to is us never really feeling like we've gained the skills. If we think about work and whatever career you have, you might have started this career not feeling very competent, but then you did it for a little bit, a couple months, a couple years, and now you're like I can do this with my eyes closed. I know exactly how to fill those forms. Or I've had so many of these meetings. I show up and it's nothing to me, versus the newcomer in this, in your office or where you work, might feel like, hey, I'm worried, I don't know how to do this and I need you to mentor me. But if we continue looking at parenting that way, we are going to always think that we are not competent, we are always going to think that we have not learned enough Because, again, our child will keep changing every single month, every single year. And so, if we can change our approach, rather than thinking that we need to build enough skills in order to be confident, if the skill that we are looking for are these general skills, problem-solving skills like you would as a CEO of a company. Problem-solving skills as you would need as a parent.

Speaker 1:

If your child is having tantrums, get curious, hence curious neuron. Get curious about why, what is leading to that Okay, they're biting because they're excited, all right. Well, how can I show up for them with confidence? How can I show up for my child, teach them something you don't bite when you're excited. I could see that you're excited and so you kind of allow them to see that I see you right now, but then let me show you what not to do and what to do instead. This is a conversation I was having with a father last week as well who spoke to me about their toddler starting to bite and I was like okay, then, once you find out, why is it excitement? Is it because they're angry? Is it because they're sad? Are they overwhelmed, overstimulated? What can they do when they feel that way? So, not only do you want to show them don't do that, don't bite, but you're excited, oh, let's clap our hands, let's jump up and down right In that moment and make them build that connection or that link from what their instinct has become to what they need to reflect on and change in that moment.

Speaker 1:

The reason why I focus so much around emotion regulation skills or emotional intelligence here at Curious Neuron, through the work that I do with this company, is because I just feel that so many parents need to learn these skills. So, for example, there was a research study and I'm going to put this study in the show notes in case you'd like to read the whole study. We're going to be summarizing this within the Reflective Parent Club and I will be creating discussion points so that we can reflect on it and build on this. This is the whole point of the Reflective Parent Club. So if you'd like to join a program that's going to help you become more aware and more reflective as a parent, while teaching you the science of effective parenting skills, then join the Reflective Parent Club. Click the link in the show notes below. In the show note below. You can either directly join the Reflective Parent Club. Click the link in the show notes below. In the show note below. You can either directly join the Reflective Parent Club and get seven days free to see if it's a good fit for you, because we have weekly meetings every Tuesday at 12 pm Eastern and again at 8 pm Eastern. You join when you can, or you could just grab a link, grab a spot in my calendar and come chat to me about it, see what your challenges are and see if it's a good fit for you.

Speaker 1:

So this study in particular that I was reading last week is called Intergenerational Transmission of Emotion Dysregulation the role of authoritarian parenting style and family chronic stress. Now, what's interesting is that many of us say that we want to follow and this is the whole point of this episode positive parenting or conscious parenting or whichever kind of parenting. But the problem around these types of parenting titles or what they tell you, including the one from science and research, which is authoritative parenting right, we're moving away from authoritarian, which is all about limits and boundaries, but there's no warmth and sensitivity. So, even if we are trying to follow the science-based one, the problem is that many of us don't know how to show up for a child with warmth and sensitivity, because we were not exposed to this growing up. This is the thesis, one day, of a book that I hope to write, because this is what I'm noticing and this is the disconnect, and this is why, as well, I had spoken about this a couple months ago, where there was a study that showed that parents following positive parenting are more stressed, and it's not supposed to be, but it is why, because we are trying to show up for our child in a way that's warm and sensitive and we're trying to validate emotions.

Speaker 1:

But what the heck does it mean? Anyways, we didn't experience this growing up, and now we're being told to show up with warmth and sensitivity, but we're dysregulated, we're pissed, we're overwhelmed, we're stressed. And then what does that lead to? We're overwhelmed, we're stressed, and then what does that lead? To Us not showing up in that way, because we snap, we get triggered and we yell, and then we feel bad and we feel guilty and we get stuck in this negative cycle of dysregulation. I'm starting I'm going to start using that word because that's what we get stuck on, or get stuck in.

Speaker 1:

And what does that look like? This looks like your child misbehaving or acting out or having a tantrum or a big emotion, and rather than stepping in and co-regulating and trying to help them regulate their nervous system or their emotions, we show up with anger or feeling triggered or overwhelmed or anxiety and stress, and we miss an opportunity to teach our kids how to regulate their emotions, and then we feel bad about it, and then they don't learn how to cope with emotions. And so the next time there's a situation that they should start or, you know, begin to apply emotion regulation skills, they don't because they never learned it. And so we get stuck in this pattern of feeling so stressed because our child acts out, has big emotions, misbehaves, whatever it is, and then we don't show up in the right way because we're not in the right mindset, we're not in the right, we don't have the right tools yet, and so, through learning motion regulation skills, which is only one domain of the big emotional intelligence definition, and there are four domains to that If we can learn this, then we can apply this for a child. And does that mean that we're always calm? Nope, it really doesn't. We don't always have to be calm, but we can still. In our moment of losing it, we can still regulate ourselves, and our child can still see us modeling healthy coping skills, even if it's after and when we repair, and so that is what I want us to learn, all right. So actually, let me break down what emotional intelligence is for you in terms of the four domains, and I think that by hearing these four domains, you're going to understand why we're going to be going deeper in each of these domains. Through the podcast, through CuriousNeuroncom, we are going to be adding many more blog posts that are focused around this, and the reason why we're doing this now is because we've realized that everything that we've been doing is focused around this and we just want to go deeper into this. So, whether you enjoy listening to the podcast, whether you want to read some blog posts, come onto social media, on Facebook, on Instagram, or if you actually want to build these skills, then you could join our program, the Reflective Parent Club.

Speaker 1:

And so the four domains of emotional intelligence are self-awareness, and that is the ability to recognize and understand your own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, values and how they impact your thoughts and behavior. Emotion regulation is the ability to regulate your emotions, control your impulses and adapt to changing circumstances. I think that the impulse part is something I'm going to have to record a podcast around, because we often talk about our kids being impulsive and we get frustrated and we get annoyed. But if we are parents, if we are a parent that often yells and reacts, that's impulsivity Also, a skill that we can work on as a parent. The third I like to call and we are going to be calling that it's supposed to be social awareness in the true definition of emotional intelligence, but I'm turning that into parental awareness and that is where I put in all the science around effective parenting skills.

Speaker 1:

So parental awareness is, in our definition, the ability to recognize and understand your child's emotions, their needs and developmental stage, while also being aware of how your own emotions and behaviors impact them. I think that is where Cure's Neuron stands out the most. This is what we've been doing for so many years, but now we are adding the other domains to help you understand that we need all of them. We need skills in all of them, and the fourth domain of emotional intelligence are healthy relationships. We can't ignore the importance of healthy relationships because when you do have a healthy relationship, it influences how your child is learning to regulate emotions and influences their behavior. So the way that we define healthy relationships is the ability to build and maintain healthy relationships through effective communication, conflict resolution, teamwork and influence. Oh yeah, okay. So this is why solo podcasts are so hard, because I'm talking to myself and then my ideas go into one direction and I forget what I was saying. Okay.

Speaker 1:

So the article that I started talking about before it was interesting because when a parent struggled with regulating their emotions, it predicted them applying authoritarian parenting style, so more strict, without the warmth and sensitivity which is why I was saying before, when we are somebody who was never exposed to what warmth and sensitivity looks like in a parenting child, a parent-child dynamic, it becomes a little bit more challenging for us to know what that looks like for us and our own child, and so what this led to. Also, not knowing how to regulate your own emotions, a parent more naturally goes towards authoritarian right, because you're not even calm, you're not regulated, and so how can you support your child in regulating them? And so the only thing left to apply as a parent are threats. The only thing left is to set the boundary and the limit, to be strict to discipline in which, using whichever method you can in that moment, because you're so triggered and you're so dysregulated. And what this study in particular showed? That this sort of pattern or relationship a parent not knowing how to regulate their emotions, predicting that they will apply authoritarian parenting styles predicted an adolescent who struggled with regulating emotions, and so it just reminds us that if we don't start the work on ourselves, it's going to be so hard to support our child. And again, these are not because the parent didn't read enough parenting books. This is not because a parent was following or trying to follow a certain script. It doesn't matter what script you use. It comes down to really taking the time to work on yourself and learning how to cope with emotions, learning how to cope with stress. The same study found that these families who struggled with dysregulation the adults led to family chronic stress, and this was part of the reason why children were also not able to regulate by the time they were teens.

Speaker 1:

And so here's something that you can maybe reflect on this week or start to notice. Within the Reflective Parent Club, I always tell our members all I want you to do for the first couple of weeks month, month and a half, two months even is start noticing. If we don't start noticing, then we'll never know where we need to place the effort or work, and it's not going to be everywhere, it'll be in small parts. And so if you can start to notice where in my day am I truly struggling with regulating my emotions, or when during my day am I kind of letting my emotions get the best of me and that doesn't mean that you're yelling it could be that you reacted a little bit more quickly for something. It could be that you internalized and rather than saying something to your partner, a boss, a colleague.

Speaker 1:

You keep it in Now, keeping it in, not reacting to something. If you're keeping it in and it's lingering, you're ruminating about it on the bus on your way's lingering, you're ruminating about it on the bus on your way home, or you're ruminating about it at night when you're in bed. Then you didn't regulate the emotion. You suppressed it, you internalized it, and so you don't have an outlet. You should have perhaps spoken up. You might need to journal about it to get it out of your mind, right? So keeping it inside is not necessarily a good thing, and so I want you to notice when are you or where's the room, sorry, when is there room for improvement, when you are experiencing a moment that has emotions? Right, so that you can find moments that you can work on. Maybe you'll notice a pattern at work when a certain person speaks to you. Maybe you'll notice a pattern when your partner does something or says something and you don't speak up, or maybe you yell at them. Maybe, when you yell at them, they become dysregulated and you're dysregulated and the whole thing escalates and neither one of you can bring the conversation back down.

Speaker 1:

We inside the Reflective Parent Club last week spoke about something that made such a big difference in how we view arguments, and this is part of emotional intelligence, right, the healthy relationships. We look at conflict now as hot or cold. Hot is when one or more people in the argument are yelling, belittling, shaming, but using lots of big words and externalizing. Cold is when a person internalizes. It's when somebody in the argument is keeping things to themselves, shutting down, not speaking up, stonewalling. That is a person who is cold in an argument, and what we are learning inside the Reflective Parent Club is how do I warm up a cold conflict or how do I cool down a hot conflict knowing that my goal is to bring it into the warm area? All of these things are skills that will help us with our child and help us model what healthy coping skills look like in our home, so that we're not a dysregulated home, like the study showed, because a dysregulated home leads to a dysregulated child, and so we want to change that.

Speaker 1:

I know I said a lot today. I realized that I went into a lot of different areas, realize that I went into a lot of different areas, but I hope that it gave you time to reflect on a few things. One am I so hyper-focused on educating myself because I don't think I have the right skills as a parent? If so, how can you step back from this a little bit? How can you start regaining trust in yourself and learning to go on instinct right With your child with? If you have two or three kids, each child will be very different, and so how can you take the time to get to know them and build your confidence?

Speaker 1:

Two, if you really struggle with coping with your emotions and you never learned this, what steps are you going to take in the next couple of months to learn how to regulate your emotions? We're going to be talking a lot more about these specific tools inside this podcast Reflective Parenting Podcast. And number three where is there room for improvement in your relationships? Because all of these aspects are contributing to how your child is learning to cope with emotions. And so if you're listening to this and saying, hey, you know what, cindy, actually my partner and I have been having a lot of conflict. I suppress because I feel pressure from them, or I lash out because I feel belittled or shamed by them, if this feels, um, like this is what's happening in your home, then I would encourage you to say well then, that's where I need to place my focus. Pick a part, pick um. Pick, not a part, but pick one of these to focus on whether it's going to be about building your confidence, your emotional regulation skills or building healthy relationships in your home, and then, together, we're going to work on this.

Speaker 1:

I'm going to keep alternating different topics, all focused on this, which is what we've been doing here inside Curse Neuron, which is what I will continue to do, and so the Reflective Parent Podcast, or Reflective Parenting, is what I want to align you towards, where you are going to build science-based skills, learn how to regulate your emotions, build on emotional intelligence skills, and all of these skills are what will begin to shape you as a parent, because you'll feel more in control and you won't be learning parenting practices and really you'll be learning some, but not mostly.

Speaker 1:

It's going to be about you and building yourself, and I hope that this podcast can continue to grow and support you as a parent and build your confidence, because that is my goal. I want you to be able to see an event or a situation with your child and say, wow, I have no idea how to deal with this, but now I'm going to start getting curious and reflecting on how I can support my child and seeing what works and what doesn't work. And so, my dear friend, I hope that we can continue to build this relationship together. Here on the podcast, I will continue to share the same content, except it's not the Cure's Noon podcast anymore, it's Reflective, the Reflective Parenting podcast, and I hope that we can continue this movement together where we build our confidence together through knowledge, through learning about our emotions, emotional intelligence, relationships and building our well-being as parents, because we won't feel as overwhelmed and stressed. Thank you so much for being here and I will see you next time. Happy Reflections.