Curious Neuron Podcast

Moving away from positive parenting and towards reflective parenting

• Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. • Season 7 • Episode 21

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This episode encourages parents to shift their focus from rigid parenting styles to a more reflective, emotion-centered approach. We discuss the pressures of perfectionism, the importance of self-awareness, and how embracing the idea of "good enough" can transform parenting experiences. 

• Exploring the pressures of positive and conscious parenting 
• Emphasizing emotional awareness and self-regulation 
• Addressing perfectionism in parenting and its impacts 
• Promoting reflection as a tool for growth and understanding 
• Introducing the new structure of the Reflective Parent Club program 
• Encouraging parents to define what "good enough" means for them 
• Calling for compassion and flexibility in parenting practices

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Speaker 1:

Hello, my dear friend, welcome back to another episode of the Curious Neuron podcast. My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host. I am a mom of three from Montreal, canada, and I have a PhD in neuroscience. My goal through Curious Neuron is to help you become more self-aware and to learn emotion regulation skills so that you can know when you feel triggered with your child and learn how to speak to yourself in a way that calms yourself. It decreases the emotional or the emotions around that moment and helps everybody feel more calm and connected, and I'm doing this by sharing the science with you.

Speaker 1:

Today's a solo episode, and if you are a parent that follows positive parenting any type of parenting, conscious parenting, but mostly the term positive parenting then this episode is for you. I had a moment when I had this sort of aha moment and realization of why so many parents are struggling and are feeling stressed. I shared, I think many months ago now, that there was a study that had come out that parents that follow positive parenting are more stressed, and a lot of it has to do with emotional suppression. So we're going to dig into that today and I'm going to share the moment that I had where I realized why, what's the connection between all of this, and so I'm really excited to share all of this with you. First, if you haven't done so yet, please take a moment to rate the podcast and review it no-transcript. And that's why Curious Neuron was born through my belief that science shouldn't be behind this paywall or not translated in a way that all of us could understand, and so I'm excited that they believe in that too. You can follow Curious Neuron on Instagram, curious underscore Neuron, or on Facebook, curious Neuron. We have a Facebook page as well, called the Reflective Parent.

Speaker 1:

You're going to notice, or you might have noticed now, in the past couple of months, there's been a big shift in terms of how I speak about Curious Neuron. We, or my team and I I'm lucky to have some people that are working with me you know, we realized that a lot of the struggles that we have as parents is because we haven't learned these emotion or emotional intelligence skills. Reflective skills allow you to build that self-awareness, and I wish I had this magic wand that would make all of the parenting struggles go away and all those chaotic moments, but I don't. However, when we do become more self-aware and learn how to regulate our emotions, regardless of what's happening in front of us. We're not suppressing, we're regulating our emotions. We're setting boundaries if we have to, and all of that leads to lower stress and makes things feel a bit easier. And guess what?

Speaker 1:

As we are learning how to become self-aware and regulate our emotions, our child sees what we're doing, sees how we're modeling this, and so they learn how to control their emotions and cope with very uncomfortable emotions, and then the relationship feels easier. And then we start doing this with other people in our lives, like our partners, and rather than feeling triggered in a conflict, we self-regulate and we ask questions, we say things like I'm getting the feeling that you're feeling this way, or I am assuming what you meant by this is that, am I correct? And we don't lash out again because we're not as easily triggered. And it's not about digging into our past. It's truly about understanding our present and how we react and why we react to certain things. And so relationships all around us and even at work things feel easier because Susie says something and, rather than you feeling triggered, you say, okay, that's a Susie thing, that's a you thing, and so I'm good, it has nothing to do with me. We have so many thoughts that run in our minds. We went through this inside the Reflective Parent Club Thoughts like catastrophizing thoughts. When we personalize thoughts like catastrophizing thoughts when we personalize right, when we start labeling ourselves as a bad parent, a stupid person we all do that in some moments, but we worked on this inside the Reflective Parent Club.

Speaker 1:

You're going to also notice a shift in the way that I speak of the Reflective Parent Club. Nothing has changed inside. We are still meeting every single week for one hour. I help you build self-awareness skills by understanding. You, share stories and I say well, how about this perspective or what was the thought going in your mind? And so we understand the connection between our thoughts, our emotions, our physical sensations. One of the parents had chronic pain and realized oh yeah, when I'm having these ups or these moments when I feel more pain, I'm less patient. All of these lead to a behavior that we have as parents, whether it's being less patient, less empathetic, less connected to our child. And if we could understand where we get stuck in that cycle, then the behavior changes and then the whole home environment changes and things just feel lighter rather than heavier.

Speaker 1:

But what's changing inside the Reflective Parent Club is. We've now eliminated the membership aspect of it. It is no longer a monthly membership, it is no longer a yearly membership, it is a three-month program. We are launching this week a course that we've put together that will walk you through self-awareness, emotion regulation skills, conflict resolution skills with your partner and parenting skills, and so all of these are being put together in a course that you can do at your own pace, while coming to the calls every single Tuesday in order to talk about where you're at, where you're stuck, what do you need help with? And I give you a new reflection prompt every Tuesday because I like to bring awareness to certain things that you might not think of, for example, unrealistic expectations that we have for ourselves, our children and our partners sometimes, and people around us. So we are having a blast inside the club and I hope you can join us. The link is in the show notes. You can join the Reflective Parent Club.

Speaker 1:

I've left the sale from Cyber Monday or Black Friday, whatever one. I've left it. It's still there. So for three months, rather than $79, it is still 50 something dollars, and it's just. I'm leaving it there for a while because I want parents to see what it looks like inside the club and you get a week free to come and see what it looks like, all right.

Speaker 1:

So, like I said, so I had a few conversations. I mean this summer I had 100 conversations with parents and what was interesting is that many parents spoke about this idea of hyper-education. It's not a term I just made it up, but this idea of as soon as they become parents, or they know they're becoming a parent, they jump into so many books, parenting books. How do I do it? What do I say to my child? How to be the best parent that I could be and I think I posted about this or shared this at some point.

Speaker 1:

I think we need to come back to intuition. I think that as parents, it's great to educate ourselves, and a big part 80% of what Curious Neuron is is education, science-based education, high quality education on curiousneuroncom and here through the podcast and the guests that I bring. But then there has to be a part where you sort of let go and you figure it out on your own. And the figuring out on your own is almost like being a scientist You're collecting data about yourself and you're collecting data about your child, and the more you can understand yourself and understand patterns, and understand your child and their patterns the more you can know. Okay, I need to try this. Is this going to work? You try it. It didn't work.

Speaker 1:

Let me try something else, and I think that the parents that I was speaking with this summer it's just that you see all the posts, sometimes online, and everybody talks about positive parenting, conscious parenting, responsive parenting. I've heard many different kinds and they all have. I'm not trying to say they're not great, but I think that the problem is that we've misunderstood these types of parentings as a society and the pendulum has swung a little bit too far towards nurturing our child's needs and being there for them. As a society I know because of the parents I speak with we've forgotten to take care of ourselves as parents, that our needs matter to the point that we feel so guilty for asking for a moment to go take a walk. We have needs and those don't go away, and right now I need a moment. I need to ask my partner, I need to tap out, or right now I need I don't know I need to ask somebody for help. I need to call a parent or an in-law and ask them to come here so I can go do groceries in peace.

Speaker 1:

There was a parent that I was speaking with last week and she was saying that she got some time over the holidays to run some errands on her own and she said I felt really bad, but it felt nice not to have to attend to anyone's needs and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think taking the time to notice that is self-care, and taking the time to step out and say I'm going to be a better parent because I will be able to better manage my emotions when I come back is fine, it's okay. And you become a better version of yourself in that moment when you feel regulated and calm and nurtured and taken care of. And so, with the positive parenting movement that we've seen, like I said at the beginning, there's also been a shift around the idea of our emotions that we have to stay calm. For a child. There's truth in that we are, in a sense, staying calm and regulated, but it doesn't mean that that's going to happen all the time. If we're hungry, if it's that four or five o'clock hour and we're hungry and we just came back from work and our kids are hungry and they're whining and they're complaining and we just want to get things done and eat, and then they're not even happy with what we made for dinner, obviously they're going to trigger something in us and we might lash out and feel bad about it after. But if we can just be more self-aware and say, hey, that's okay, cindy, you were hungry, it's fine, the moment has passed now we don't have to get stuck in this sort of snowball effect in our minds of putting ourselves down, feeling bad about the moment and then that follows us into the evening. And so if we can be more aware of our emotions, we could become more, not just attuned. We could become more not just attuned but flexible in how we are managing and dealing with emotional situations. Because as a parent, there are lots of emotional situations. They're coming at us left and right and we've got to find ways to manage that a little bit better.

Speaker 1:

Another thing I realized as I was talking to a parent who seems to be very much of a perfectionist. I don't know if you can relate to this. This parent is a high achiever in work. This parent wants to maintain a good looking house, a clean house, a maintained house, and so everything is pristine. And so when kids act out. That's out of the box of what perfection is. And then, in the style of parenting, when you lash out at your child or scream or get really frustrated and go towards threats rather than staying calm, as the positive or conscious parenting movement has suggested, then, according to the definition of that kind of parenting, I'm making a box with my hands. If you're not in that box anymore, you are no longer in that box.

Speaker 1:

And so, for a parent who's a perfectionist, you have failed. Every single time that you get out of that calmness, you have failed, and that's a heavy burden to carry. And that was my moment of realization last week, where I heard a parent talking about how hard it is to stay calm and that every time she yells, she's failed. And so what happens is that you are leaving for work in the morning and you've been with your kids for an hour, an hour and a half. You've already failed three times because nobody wanted to get dressed and so you failed. And then you bring them to school or to daycare and you're driving yourself to work or walking to work and you already have on your mind that you failed as a parent that morning. It's a heavy burden, and so that is why I realized this week we really need to move away from that. It's time I realized this week we really need to move away from that. It's time it's done its work.

Speaker 1:

We're still using the guiding light of authoritative parenting, where we want to keep the warmth and sensitivity, as well as limits and boundaries. Both are important in parenting. But can't we just use that as our guiding light? But it'll look different for me and it'll look different for you in your home. But if that's our guiding light, then whenever we are off, we kind of bring ourselves back onto that path of ooh, today I wasn't really warm and responsive and so I need to be mindful of that tomorrow. Or I really let go of the limits and boundaries. This weekend it was a free for all, but we had a lot of fun. Back to limits and boundaries on Monday.

Speaker 1:

How can we set ourselves up for success rather than failure as parents? And I think that if we can do that as parents, I think the burden and the heaviness of sticking to a type of parenting would be lifted. Also, I hear from so many parents moms in particular that argue with their spouse because the mom has read all of these books that suggest positive parenting or conscious parenting or responsive parenting is the best kind of parenting. And so anything outside of that box which I'm drawing with my fingers is considered bad parenting. And so when your partner, that box which I'm drawing with my fingers is considered bad parenting, and so when your partner has their own version that might be a little bit more authoritarian, without the disrespect, shaming or neglect or abuse no hitting, as long as it doesn't veer towards that then that parent has failed. If they raise their voice at their child, they failed according to the definition that we might have set for ourselves. If they give a consequence, they failed according to that type of parenting.

Speaker 1:

What about if we're just trying to figure out what works best? What about if the mindset that we have as a parent is okay? I tried timeouts. It's not working, let's move on to the next. I've tried, I don't know, disciplining my child in this way where I threatened them. They're still doing it. It didn't work, let's move on to the next. How do I balance the boundary and the warmth? Well, I've been giving a lot of limits and boundaries and consequences, but maybe I'm not validating my child's emotions very well, and so let me try doing that with the consequence. Hey, I see a difference. I don't know Whatever will work out for your house and your family, but if we can have the sort of mindset that allows us to test things out and not see everything as a failure, I think just that in itself will alleviate so much stress on our shoulders, such a heaviness of constant failure, that we will be able to become attuned, dig into what feels best and what feels right for us as families, as parents.

Speaker 1:

And just to go back to one more thing the emotion part. This is another moment that was a second part of this big moment that I had this week the emotion part, that warmth and sensitivity that I have been speaking about for years now. The warmth and sensitivity is a really important part. It's a new part that our parents did not know. There was no mention of warmth and sensitivity towards a child's needs, to the point that I've received so many messages during the past few years where parents, moms and dads have reached out to me and said you talk about warmth and sensitivity, but what does this mean? What does this sound like? What does this look like? And that was my moment this week where I realized, with this particular parent who was always seeing herself as failing, especially when it came to being calm she would fail or showing up for her child's emotional needs.

Speaker 1:

She was never raised in an environment where her emotional needs were responded to or met with warmth and sensitivity. And so if you, like me, are like the many parents that didn't grow up in this environment, what's happening now is we are parents and we are being told to show up with warmth and sensitivity towards our child's emotional needs. We have no idea what it looks like, no idea. Some of us might have experienced it, but many of us have not. And so now, in addition to failing because we are lashing out, because we never learned how to regulate our emotions, we have not developed self-awareness of our triggers Now, as parents, we are also failing at this positive parenting, conscious parenting, responsive parenting, whatever it is, because we don't know how to show up for our child. We don't know what that looks like, and for some of us it becomes uncomfortable, and so we just see it as constant failure.

Speaker 1:

Especially for somebody who's very much of a perfectionist, this is really hard, and I want you to be mindful this week. So I want you to step back this week and I'm going to give you the same activity I gave this private client, because I think that there's space for all of us to do this kind of work. And if you want to do more of this work, now that the Reflective Parent Club is a three-month program, I would not make it anything less if you were to join for two weeks, one month, even a month and a half or two months. I know that it is not enough time to see a change in behavior, a change in habits and a change in noticing patterns. It takes much more time than that, which is why I've made it a three-month program.

Speaker 1:

So this particular client, the reflection prompt and thought activity that I gave her, was define what perfect parenting is for you, or define your version sorry, define your version of parenting. And so what was listed were these you know, 15 or 20 moments of perfection, that creating perfect moments for my child, making sure I'm always calm for them, not yelling at them or not being so mean to them in moments when I'm tired. Then, once you've written this down, so this should be your perfect moment, that should be the left column. The right column is what is good enough. What is good enough? Because if your perfect idea of parenting is not yelling at your child is good enough, the 80-20 rule which it should be, by the way is good enough, saying, well, I'm going to do my best, but I'm going to show myself self-compassion in moments when I'm tired, or I had a really stressful day, or we had a really chaotic evening and I'm exhausted and I just need to take a break. Is it going to be okay the next day when my child wants to do something and I'm too tired, I'm like, no, not today, but maybe tomorrow. Or am I going to feel guilty that I said no?

Speaker 1:

I think that if we could become more compassionate and more self-aware, we're going to catch these moments and realize that it's not always perfect and that's part of parenting. But what is your definition of good enough? I want you to see it on paper. I had done this a few months ago with our parents inside the Reflective Parent Club, where it was about tasks, right, and the sort of schedule that we put for ourselves on weekends and we want to clean the entire house, meal prep and do all the activities with our kids and have connection time and go to soccer and go to and you see, the list goes on right. However, what I wanted parents to reflect on is what's a good enough weekend? Where's the downtime? What do you need? What do your kids need? What is there too much of? And so we're doing the same thing in terms of our parenting style.

Speaker 1:

Now I want you to take the week to notice moments when you are hard on yourself because of the parenting style you are choosing to follow, and if this definition that you've placed, or this box that you've created, that is the parenting style that you are following, if that is leading to more stress and feelings of failure and more pressure on yourself, then this is the week, my friend. This is the week that we step out and we say, hey, okay, cindy, you can follow this kind of parenting, but you've placed too many boundaries and restrictions on yourself and you need a little bit more freedom. We need to make mistakes, because with those mistakes, we are going to learn what the needs are of our child or what works for us as well. But if we don't make those mistakes, then we don't know what's best, and so we need to allow ourselves to make mistakes, and then we have to catch ourselves in those mistakes, and when we catch ourselves. Then we start collecting a little bit of data. Okay, I did this with my child. I yelled at bedtime. It didn't work, but I was tired and so I think I need to I don't know take 10 minutes right before bedtime to unwind. Maybe not scrolling, maybe something more nurturing to yourself. Maybe it's taking a moment to sip that hot tea and chilling with your kids, instead of putting certain pressures on yourself. Maybe, rather than doing the dishes, it's sitting on the couch and playing Uno with your kids for 10-15 minutes.

Speaker 1:

In our home, the number one game is Monopoly Deal. It's the card game of Monopoly and it's fast and it's really fun. And we play as a family and it's easy. My five-year-old doesn't read, but there are images on it so he could remember what some images are and what they mean. And we play together and it's really fun. So we have different ways of connecting connecting and disconnecting from everything else that's going on, because sometimes we know, okay, we need to go to bed, but if I push it just 10 minutes in order to connect with my child, I know that's what they need today. I could be strict on the boundary of the bedtime or I can take the time to connect. I need to connect with them and they need to connect with me, and so this is the kind of parenting I'm hoping that I could kind of bring awareness to in the next year, in 2025. I call it reflective parenting, where it's just literally the skills of pausing and reflecting, and if we can do that as a society and as parents, I think that we could make parenting a little bit easier.

Speaker 1:

I hope you are part of the Curious Neuron newsletter. If not, you can also download a freebie from me in the show notes. It's a reflective parent kit, your starter kit. What does that look like? What do I want to bring awareness to? What reflection prompts can you start with? Get the freebie and see if that aligns with you and your kind of parenting, and take the time this week again to write down what is your idea of perfect parenting and then what is the good enough.

Speaker 1:

I hope you all have a beautiful and wonderful week. Don't forget, if you liked this episode or you think it could help somebody that's really putting pressure on themselves, send it to them, share it with them, share it on social media tag Curious Neuron. Help us grow as a community and put the word out there that reflective parenting, in our opinion, in my opinion is the way for us to become more resilient as parents, more confident, and that competence Most parents that come into the Reflective Parent Club have low competence, meaning that they don't think they have the skills. That, my friend, is a story for another time. I'm going to talk about that because it's another reason why I think we have to move away from this idea of positive parenting and just think about building the right skills, which is again why I built the Reflective Parent Club. Thank you so much for being here. I hope again that you have a beautiful and wonderful week. I will see you next Monday. Bye.