Curious Neuron Podcast

Tips to help parents reduce stress and overwhelm during the holidays

• Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. • Season 7 • Episode 15

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Discover how to navigate the stress of the holiday season while prioritizing your mental well-being and fostering a joyful atmosphere for yourself and your family. This episode promises to equip parents with actionable strategies and insights, offering three essential tips to manage the challenges of family gatherings, financial pressures, and past negative experiences.

But that's not all—the episode also sheds light on the art of boundary-setting, ensuring you maintain holiday sanity amid the chaos. Learn how to set realistic expectations for your children's behavior and effectively collaborate with your partner to handle responsibilities. We discuss the importance of financial boundaries to keep holiday spending in check, alongside techniques for gracefully managing unsolicited family advice.

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Related Podcast Episodes:

  1. Thriving during the holidays
  2. How I taught my kids to take on each others perspectives during arguments
  3. Parenting children with strong temperaments 

Articles about stress and Dr. Letourneau's research:

1. How To Identify If Your Stress Is Healthy Or Toxic
2. Can Toxic Stress Impact Your Attachment with Your Child?

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Speaker 1:

Hello, my dear friend, welcome back to the Curious Neuron podcast. My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host. I am a mom of three from Montreal, canada, and I am the founder and CEO of Curious Neuron. I also have a PhD in neuroscience and my goal through Curious Neuron is to bring you relevant science, to bring you access to researchers and clinicians that apply the science that I read, and also to share insights, sometimes in solo episodes like today, where I share. You know, according to what I've been reading, you know, in terms of mental health and well-being for parents, specifically what you can do, and so today we are focusing on the holidays and I'm going to share some tips three, actually, three tips that you can apply during the holidays, because I know that holidays are difficult times for many people. Sure, they're joyous and we're supposed to be happy and everything's supposed to be so festive, but the reality is that for some parents and actually many parents, from what I've been seeing online this is a time of difficulty, because you might be getting together with family members that cause you to feel a little stressed or anxious. Maybe there are financial stresses in your life right now, and so, thinking about holidays and buying your child the right gift, or having to buy gifts for people and teachers and daycare educators is feeling a little overwhelming now, or maybe it's just the holidays themselves, maybe they don't bring great memories for you, and so just being in the holidays causes you to feel more sadness, or maybe even depressed or anxious. And so today I want us to acknowledge all of that and talk about that a little bit and take three important steps that we could kind of apply, I guess, this season, in order to have not a better holiday, but to be mindful of our well-being and mental health during this holiday season. Before we begin, I'd like to thank the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute, as well as the McConnell Foundation, for supporting the Curious Neuron podcast. These organizations are supportive because we share the science, and so that is something that has been at the core of Curious Neuron and will always be part of what we do. I cannot let go of the science. It's what is my own passion, and something that I think is really important is for all of you to have access to that science, and so thank you to both of these organizations, thank you to you for supporting the Curious Neuron podcast, and, with the holidays in mind.

Speaker 1:

I'd like to give you a little gift. I know that I used to have Meltdown Mountain, which, by the way, is going to come back. I'm revamping Curious Neuron right now. There's going to be a little shift in January, and so I right now don't have a freebie for you, and so I've been thinking about this and what I'm going to do is, every single week until the first week of January. So for the next four weeks, I will be giving away two memberships to three month memberships at a value of $79 every single week. Now, the only way you can be eligible to win one of these two memberships is if you leave a review and a rating and you send me a screenshot of this at info at CuriousNoroncom, and bonus for you. Bonus entry if you share it somewhere, whether it's a newsletter, a Facebook page for parents, somewhere. Let me know where you shared it, but send me an email and I will take all of the emails that I received this week, and next Monday I will announce the winners of this week's giveaway.

Speaker 1:

If you are wondering what this giveaway is, the Reflective Parent Club is our membership. I launched this officially in September, and if you are a parent that struggles with regulating your emotions and you're like I don't think I have the tools, I don't think I was taught these tools when I was young, then this membership is for you. I want to make sure that all parents receive the right skills, and emotion regulation skills are just that their skills and it takes time. It's not just about reading about them. You have to practice. And not only do you have to practice, then you have to hold yourself accountable, and that's why I want to be there with you. It's not a membership in the sense that it keeps renewing. It's a club and I say membership because it's a habit, but it's a club and what you do is you join and you have access to all of these audios. So if you listen to podcasts, then that's the way that I like to create, the way that you learn audios, pdfs.

Speaker 1:

And we meet every single Tuesday at 12 pm Eastern time in Montreal and at 8 pm Eastern time in Montreal. You get to join whenever it's more convenient for you, and so not only do you learn how to regulate your emotions, but then you could come and talk about how you've been trying to notice certain things, or maybe there's a certain trigger you have with your child, or maybe their behavior is really triggering you and you don't know why. I'm going to help you explore that and understand that at a deeper level so that you can gain, you know, maybe a new perspective around a situation. And guess what? Most of what we talk about isn't just about our kids, but it's about us and our partners, or us and work, because that's what triggers our emotions.

Speaker 1:

This is not just about parenting, but it's for parents, and lots of things affect our emotions, and so, if you would like support with that, I've decided to extend the offering as well. So, instead of $79 for three months, I've brought it down to $50. So I've reduced it by 30%, and I had a few emails at the end of last week saying look, I just listened to your podcast and I missed the sale. I'd really like to participate. So either you try to win it and you send me an email, or please click the link in the show notes. It'll bring you directly to the sales page so that you can see a little bit more information. You get two weeks for free so that, even when you join, you can jump onto two free um you know weekly calls and get a little bit of information so that you could see if this is a good fit for you. That's what I want you to make sure before you commit to this for three months. But it takes three months of work every single week, one hour where you meet every Tuesday, and then little bits and pieces I would say five minutes a day really five minutes a day to being able to learn how to regulate your emotions and manage your stress and teach your child healthy emotion regulation skills. All the links are in the show notes, all right. So I've been following.

Speaker 1:

I follow some of these, like mom groups or parenting groups on Facebook, and for the past couple of weeks I've just noticed a shift in the tone. There are always, you know, parents asking her mom, sorry, asking about you know divorce and being afraid to move forward. I've covered divorce in a previous podcast. I'll put the link in the show notes. But the thing is is that now I've noticed a lot more situations of violence in homes, aggression between couples you know a lot of moms talking about you know hitting their child and then regretting it or their partner being very violent with their child and they don't know how to do this. They don't know how to dress it A lot of partners or wives talking about husbands being very aggressive, and I know it could be both ways. I'm just I'm just saying that this is what I've been seeing, and so to me it's showing that, as the season of, you know, holidays and kids are going to be off and everybody's going to be home that there's a lot of stress that's up in the air right now, and I think that we need to address this.

Speaker 1:

So I was thinking about how we can approach this today, and so I thought of three very simple ways or three tips that we can keep in mind during the holidays. You know, one thing that we had spoken about inside the Reflective Parent Club was expectations, the expectations that we have for our children, for our partners and for ourselves, and I think we need to bring that back into the conversation when we think about the holidays. Sometimes we have really high expectations for the holidays themselves, the get-togethers we're going to have, all of the wonderful things we want to do with our kids, and then the holidays come and we're like oh, I'm tired, or I really don't feel like doing all of these activities, or you go to do this activity and then something's canceled, or the weather doesn't hold up or whatever it is, and so we become, you know, really disappointed and our kids are disappointed, and then we're dysregulated and they're dysregulated. And so I think that when it comes to the holidays, we really need to lower the expectation and kind of take it as it comes. If we can have lower expectations, we won't be as disappointed for certain things.

Speaker 1:

But also with our kids, if we set up this idea of such a big, grandiose celebration with family and then something happens or they get sick, it's not that we're going to bring everything down and pretend that it's going to be really boring or not fun or we're not doing any activities, but we just have to, kind of like, bring it down just a little bit. And it's not even about activities that we're doing with our kids, but it's the expectations that we place on ourselves as well, right. So if you're a parent and right now it's a difficult time for you financially, we don't have to overdo it. Right With celebrations and get togethers and gifts, right, we can bring that down. The expectations for ourselves, for perfection. If we want this theme for our party, it's okay, we can bring that expectation down. It makes me think of some, you know sometimes these first birthday parties or kids' birthday parties, where you ask a child, tell me the theme that you want, and then you have to find every single item that matches that theme and then it causes you stress. Well, we don't need to ask them. We can say, hey, let's go to the store and pick out the best plate that you like, that they have right. If we can do that with their kids and show them that, things will become a little bit more simple and that'll cause us less stress.

Speaker 1:

Expectations also applies for the expectations we have of others, and so if we are seeing family members or parents and we are expecting them to congratulate us for the amazing year that we have had at work, maybe we had these huge promotions right and we're excited for it, but we know that they disappoint us every time and that they don't show up in the way that we want them to show up. Well then let's lower the expectation, let's take it as it comes, and if they happen to say something great, then cool, then we celebrate it and we feel good and we feel validated. But let's not keep that expectation up there, because then we show up at their house they don't even remember that we had the promotion. They don't mention it and then we feel like crap. So we need to lower our expectations for ourselves, for our kids and for others, and when I say for our kids, well, let's think about what the holidays are, right? I had spoken about this in the special last year where we had a psychologist, dr Tamara Soles, come onto the podcast, and sometimes we have expectations for our kids to stand up, stand straight, sit down and sit at the table for three hours during the holidays. That's not a reality, right?

Speaker 1:

When it comes to kids, especially with young kids, and so we need to remember that, just because the holidays are here, it doesn't mean that, all of a sudden, not being a kid disappears and that they're going to be very different. They're still a child, and so we have to prepare for that, which means we are setting ourselves up for success by preparing whether you want to bring small snacks with you. If you're going to a family member's house and you don't know if the food's going to be ready at a certain time. Maybe you're going to show up late and let them know so that your child has time to take their nap. Maybe you are going to leave early because you know that, past a certain time, your child struggles. Maybe you're not going to leave early, maybe you say, nope, this year I really need to stay. Well then, what's your game plan when it's going to come to meltdowns or tantrums when your child is tired? I was talking to a parent insider the Reflective Parent Club who said that Thanksgiving was really difficult because they hadn't really planned for big emotions and meltdowns for their child being in somebody else's house, and so I think it's a really great reminder for all of us that we can't just show up somewhere, especially with kids under the age of seven, without some sort of game plan.

Speaker 1:

If your child gets dysregulated very easily. Well, you're going to be in a home with a lot of people, maybe, and if you are, then are you planning for that? Are you planning for when you notice the signs of your child becoming dysregulated, where they all of a sudden, you know, are fidgety, or you say something to them and they talk back, you know, to you? What's that going to look like when you say no to them for that extra dessert because they've had five already? What is that going to look like when you need space? Are you going to step outside the house. Can you speak to the owner of the home and have a room that you can go in with your child? If your child is neurodivergent or really really struggles with their emotions and maybe they get very aggressive or mean or mad and you need to step away, do you have a safe space for your child and for yourself? Who's going to stay with the other child? Will your partner stay? Will you? What's the game plan as a family?

Speaker 1:

And I think that sometimes we just show up, you know, for the holidays, and we forget that there are certain things that we need to talk about as a family before we, you know, show up at these holiday parties or travel and, you know, forget about bedtimes and everybody's nap is off and now kids are dysregulated. We need to lower expectations for kids in the sense that we're not going to have a kid who's perfectly behaved just because it's the holidays and Aunt Judy's watching, right? It's not going to happen like that. And so, in this, what I mean by lowering expectations, it's also have realistic expectations when it comes to our kids and have a game plan. I think it's also important to have this conversation with your family, right? So if you need a child to nap at a certain time, ask the people living there, like, what can I? Can I borrow a space, can I put a playpen there?

Speaker 1:

And, as a, that's sorry for extended family, but then with your own family, you can speak with your husband or your wife, your partner, and just say, okay, look, I know that this child needs a nap. At that time, what are you, what are our roles? Right? How are we going into this? I don't want to be the one that's with the child the whole time. I also want to have a drink and a conversation with family members and some eggnog or whatever it is. But what will you do and what will I do? Just so that we know, right, have some sort of plan so that you're not at the holiday parties being the one holding the child the whole time and being hidden in a room with the other child because they're having big tantrums.

Speaker 1:

Have a game plan with your partner and speak to each other and say, hey, we're a team. How are we going in this Super Bowl of the year together, as a team, so that we can, you know, get out of there successful or as successful as possible, which doesn't mean perfection. Right, there might be meltdowns. There might be some that you can't control. There might be family members with some feedback not feedback, but some advice and you just let them know like, hey, I got this, thanks, I appreciate it. You know, sometimes parenting isn't perfect and isn't all flowers and unicorns. And what can I say? This is a meltdown and I've got this, thanks. You can politely decline their help. Or if you do need help, don't be afraid to ask family members if you want to. Just don't have to be perfect, and it's okay. Nobody has it all together, it's okay. Whoever says they do, they're not telling the truth. So just please have some sort of game plan with your partner and with your children. Okay, tip number two If I were to ask you what are three boundaries that you want to go into the holidays with Doesn't mean it'll be easy to set them, but what are three boundaries that you believe are really important to set them?

Speaker 1:

But what are three boundaries that you believe are really important to set this holiday season? I'm sure we can all think of three boundaries that we can set. Right. It could be if a certain family member says something, I'm going to stand up and speak up and not let my child be part of this right? That might be one of them. It could be. If a certain family member starts some sort of argument that I don't agree with and makes me feel really uncomfortable, I will politely say that I need to leave. Maybe that's the boundary.

Speaker 1:

Again, I told you what are the three boundaries Doesn't mean asking you about the three boundaries doesn't mean it's going to be easy, but I just want you to acknowledge, so write this down, the three boundaries, right, whatever they would be, write them down. And then I want you to write down how it would feel for you to follow through with the boundary that you are writing down the three boundaries, that you are writing down each one. How would it feel to follow through with number one, how would it feel to follow through with number two and how would it feel to follow through with number three? The reason why I'm bringing you on this journey of how it would feel if you followed through is because I want you to feel that, I want you to know that if you were to actually follow through with this boundary, that it would feel good, right, or however you described it. And then I want you to write the game plan. So if the boundary is speaking up to, let's bring let's bring Aunt Judy back into the conversation. Poor Aunt Judy, let's say. Aunt Judy, every single year, starts a fight with you about I don't know the way you're raising your child. Fair enough, right? So if the boundary is that you are going to stand up to Aunt Judy, then on this game plan, write down what standing up to Aunt Judy sounds like. If she keeps criticizing how you're parenting your child. What would you say to Aunt Judy? What would you say to her this year if she criticized you again? What would you say to her if she, you know, whatever it is, what would you say to her? So, for each boundary, not only are you writing what it would feel like if you were to follow through with the boundary, but I want you to write what the boundary would sound like. What would you do or what would you say to set the boundary? What's the game plan basically is what you're you're writing down Boundary, by the way, again, because of everything that I've been seeing on social media could be setting yourself a very strict budget for your um, your, your finances and the gifts that you're going to give.

Speaker 1:

Not everybody has unlimited budget. Not many people have an unlimited budget, and so if, for you and your family, you say you know what I have, this gift exchange with the adults. I have, you know, four little nieces and nephews that I have to buy toys for or gifts, and I have two teachers for my kids that I have to buy gifts for, what does a budget look like for you? Can you buy gifts for the teachers? Instead of buying something, can you make something for them? Can you prepare? I had received once a gift that I still remember to this day. It was in a mason jar and it was to make hot chocolate, but it was the sugar mixed with the cocoa and whatever flavor, the mint. There was mint flavor in there and all of that, whatever it was, but it was a really nice gesture and I really appreciate it and I used it all winter. And so what can you give in terms of a gift that meets your budget?

Speaker 1:

When we go back to number one, lowering your expectations, remember that one. Well then, that comes back down to this one, right? And so if the boundary for you this holiday season is how much you spend, then lower your expectations for what kind of gifts you can give people. Honestly, my daughter was asking me hey, mom, what do you want as a gift from me? And I've never made my or asked for gifts from my children.

Speaker 1:

I always say that when you make something, it comes from the heart. I always say that when you make something, it comes from the heart. We say that to our kids, but why not from our friends and family members as well? I would rather have a really nice walk with somebody and spend time with them, which is what I had done for my 40th birthday last year. I didn't want a big party, but what I did is the people that were really close to me. We had a dinner together and that's what I wanted.

Speaker 1:

And so talk to the people that you're going to give gifts to and see what's important to them and see if there's something that you can give in terms of your time. Can you help them out with something? Maybe they're cleaning out their basement and they're like you know what. Actually, I'd really like somebody to do this with me and hang out with me, spend a day with me, we'll order a pizza and we'll clean out this basement once and for all, and that'll help my own wellbeing, right, like, what can we do in terms of service to help each other this season.

Speaker 1:

And so this goes back to boundaries. If boundaries are finances for you, then set them. What would it feel like if you were coming out of this holiday season having set the boundary for your finances and, having met this boundary, you know, stayed with it, meaning that you didn't pass the certain amount of money that you didn't want to pass and spend? Well, how would that feel like for you and what would that mean? What would be the game plan for it? So that's tip number two. That's the number one lower expectations. And number two set your boundaries. Which leaves us with number three Always start with your own needs. I know what you're thinking. It's selfish. It's not what I mean by starting off with your own needs.

Speaker 1:

This is how I came up with this, because I was reading again some comments and questions from parents online and there was a single mom who said this was her second holiday season as a single mom of two kids and that she just felt really sad and that she wasn't enjoying the holidays anymore. In fact, she said if I didn't have two kids, there's no way I would be putting up a Christmas tree, no way that I'd be bringing in the holiday cheer, but that she felt really bad because she had two very young kids that were excited for the holidays. And so she said what do I do? How do I celebrate the holidays when I don't want to? And so what I suggested for this mom was to start with her own needs, and the reason why I'm saying this is because I was raised by a single mom and we didn't have many traditions, but the one tradition that I remember was my mom would bake cookies, lots of cookies, tons of cookies, which she still does. But I only realized later that baking is something that brings my mom joy, and so, even in moments when she's overwhelmed, she bakes a lot. And that's what I mean when I say let's come back to our needs. And so if you're going into this holiday season and you're like I'm really in a funk, I'm stuck in this funk and I'm not feeling it this year, I'm feeling sad, maybe even depressed or anxious, whatever it is, and now the holidays are coming and I have to fake it till I make it and pretend that everything's okay.

Speaker 1:

Start with your needs. What are your needs? Do you need connection? Do you need to feel seen by someone in particular. Do you need to reach out to somebody that you know? Do you need time alone? Are you tired? Do you need time away from the kids, maybe a couple hours on a weekend, something. Speak up to someone. Let them know what your needs are, whether it's your partner, a family member, a friend that you haven't connected with and you really feel disconnected with them, your partner that you really feel disconnected with. Start with what's important to you, so that you can come out of this holiday season saying, hey, you know what, it wasn't the greatest thing, it wasn't the best.

Speaker 1:

You know, maybe it was a little hard and maybe some of the get togethers that we had weren't exactly what I was hoping they'd be, but I took the time to read that one book that I wanted. Or I took the time to go get that haircut I've been wanting for a long time. Or I worked out six times over the holidays and I'm really happy about it. I stayed true to those six times. I didn't set the expectations high, because Cindy told me number one was lowering the expectations. So I didn't work out every single day, and that's okay. I set myself a goal of six times and I did it. And so, yay, me right.

Speaker 1:

What are your needs? And, by the way, addressing your needs doesn't necessarily mean that you won't be with your kids. So if your needs are to listen to an old ACDC album, let's just say, maybe you're going to clean the house with the kids and say, this is music I used to listen to and we're going to listen to it this weekend. Hey, this is music I used to listen to and we're gonna listen to it this weekend. Whatever it is, just remember that your needs matter too, because when we're gonna go into the holidays, it's gonna feel like all we do is help everybody and do everything for everybody else, and you're going to come out of the holidays more exhausted than how you went into the holidays. If you can remember that your needs matter too, you'll set boundaries, you'll lower your expectations as well and you'll say you know what? This is the year. This is the year that I go for a walk over the holidays, one walk by myself. Whatever it is, everybody will have different needs.

Speaker 1:

And so write it down. Do it this week before you get into the big holiday rush. Write down everything that I just said. So what do you need to lower your expectations about this holiday season. What are the three boundaries that you are going to try to set this holiday season? Think about how it would make you feel if you actually stayed true to those three boundaries and then write a game plan for each. You might not do it, you might not follow through, but just write it down. That's going to lead you a little bit closer to success.

Speaker 1:

And then the third one is write down what your needs are for this holiday. Do you need to clean out that one closet that's been driving you bonkers? Do you need to declutter your home? That's a big one, but if those are your needs, write it down. And again you could include your family, your partner, your kids, and say, look, I need to get this closet cleaned. And so there's parts that we're going to do together as a family, and I need you and there are parts you're going to need to leave me alone and do this because, coming out of the holidays, if this can be done, I'm going to feel much better, and we're going to feel much better as a family. And so you know I need to do this. If you don't share this with everybody, they won't know what's going on in your head. They won't know what you're thinking and so just share it with them.

Speaker 1:

Next week will be a really special episode, again, thinking about the holidays and how it could be really hard for some people. I'm going to be speaking to a mom whose husband committed suicide two years ago, so it's going to be. It's going to start as a heavier episode, but we go into the mindfulness aspect of healing and what that healing journey looked like for this mom of three kids. So stay tuned for next week and then the episode after that is the 200th episode of the Curious Neuron podcast and we are going to have somebody very special.

Speaker 1:

Dr Nicole Le Tourneau is somebody whose research aligns 300% with Curious Neuron, where she does research around the power and the importance of reflection hence the Reflection Parent Club and we are going to have her on the podcast for an amazing interview. And if you are just as excited as I am, then click the link in the show notes. We have written down, or we have already prepared, two very special blog posts that have reflection prompts on it that talk about the Dr Nicole Letourneau's research. Click the link in the show notes for these podcasts or sorry, not podcasts but these blogs so that you can get to know her research, and don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. You can also grab a free parental well-being kit in the show notes. No-transcript trying it and getting the support from me throughout the holidays and the winter season. I will see you next Monday. Have a wonderful and beautiful week. Bye.