Reflective Parenting by Curious Neuron

Ask Dr. Cindy: How can I better manage my mental load?

• Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. • Season 7 • Episode 13

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A parent from our membership asked me "How can I manage the mental load" and in today's episode, I break down the advice I gave this parent.

We all have a mental load and sometimes it seems like nothing can make it disappear. However, there are ways that we can manage this better and feel less of this burden on our minds.

I share tips from the book Essentialism by Greg McKeown and one study that I found on productivity.

I summarize these 4 changes you can make at the end of the episode but if you need a space to be held accountable, to get support from a community and to get weekly check-ins to see how you are progressing, then don't forget to join our membership called the Reflective Parent Club!

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Speaker 1:

Hello, my dear friend, welcome back to another episode of the Curious Neuron podcast. My name is Cindy Havington and I am your host. I am a mom of three from Montreal, canada, and I have a PhD in neuroscience. My goal, through Curious Neuron, is to bring you the science that's relevant to parental well-being learning how to regulate your emotions and how to manage stress, because I believe that parents right now are truly struggling with feeling overwhelmed and stressed, and this trickles down to our kids, and so if we can provide parents with more support, we can then support their children as well.

Speaker 1:

In today's episode, I want to focus on a question that I received. This was a member inside our membership called the Reflective Parent Club, and I thought this was something that you might be struggling with as well, and so why not talk about it? The question this mom asked was how do I manage the stress of my mental overload or my mental load Sorry, not overload. We feel overloaded, and I think that this is very common in moms, but dads have it too. I've had this conversation with my husband, too, and he has his own mental load when it comes to finances. That's not my responsibility. In our home, we've divided tasks in a certain way, and so he will often have periods of overload. However, what seems to happen throughout the days is I might have a little bit more overload or load mental load on the daily tasks because of the work that I'm doing, and so we have to speak to each other and support each other, or else it does get overwhelming. And so, if this is something that you struggle with, I'm going to be sharing some tips, some insights from research and some recommendations that I read from a book called Essentialism by Greg McKeown, and I think that there's a lot of really great insight.

Speaker 1:

Again, sometimes it's information targeted towards leaders and people running companies, but as parents, that is who we are. We are running a small team, a very small business within our home. We are the CEOs of our home, and if we don't know how to be that kind of leader and create that kind of work culture and home culture, then things get really difficult and overwhelming for us as parents, and we haven't been offered and given those skills, which is why I built the Reflective Parent Club. I just feel that there needs to be a space where we're learning a lot. There are books, there are courses, everybody's. You know it's accessible, it's easy. But now, now what? What do we do with this? How do we take the science of emotional regulation skills, of emotional intelligence, of leadership, and combine that into some sort of experience for a parent so that they can learn all these skills and apply them in their home and practice them and hold themselves accountable inside a community and get the support from the community? That is the whole point of the Reflective Parent Club.

Speaker 1:

As always, if you are curious to know and get a peek inside, I'm giving everybody two weeks free because I want you to take that opportunity to see what's inside the membership, to come, join two weekly calls and you know if there's a guest speaker. We have one every single month. Look at our calendar and you can join that as well. Do it for free. Grab your two weeks, because if you leave at the end of the two weeks and you feel that you haven't started responding to your child rather than reacting, then maybe this isn't for you. But I know I've seen the difference within our parents, who are now pausing and changing their thoughts and being mindful of moments and gaining control of their emotions in moments when they would usually react and yell at their kids. They are noticing this, because they've been part of this now for a few months, and so I know that it's going to lead to that. If you give it some time, but come check it out, you can click the link in the show notes and I will see you on Tuesday's call. All right?

Speaker 1:

So before we begin this podcast, I want to thank the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute as well as the McConnell Foundation for supporting the Curious Neuron podcast. Without these two organizations, this podcast would literally not be possible, and so I would not be here speaking to you, and so I'm grateful that science and the communication of science is very important to both of these organizations as it is to us here at Curious Neuron, and I'd like to thank you, because without you clicking that button and listening every single Monday, then this podcast would not continue as well. And so thank you for taking the time to listen, and if you haven't done so yet, I truly encourage you to take a moment to rate or review the podcast. Whether you're listening to this on Spotify or on Apple Podcasts, there are ways for you to click out and then just click on. You know four or five stars, whatever you believe. It is two, three, four, I don't know. Just take that moment, because these are metrics and these organizations look at metrics. And it's interesting because there was a mom inside our membership and she's like I've been listening to you for two years and now I've been part of your membership for, you know, a few months and I still haven't left a review. And I'm really sorry and I said it's okay, but please do. It really means the world to me, because without these reviews and ratings and downloads so you can also share the podcast episode if you found it useful with friends and family Without any of these the podcast disappears. It's not a threat, it's just the reality of the consequence of not having good metrics, and so please take a moment to do so, all right? So here's a question. The mom asked me how do I manage the stress of my mental load?

Speaker 1:

Now, before I begin with my tips, I need to share something that happened. So, as you know, a couple of weeks ago I left to go to Abu Dhabi. I had been invited to give a talk on child development and parental well-being and when I was preparing to leave the day before I was leaving, I was supposed to leave. I was kind of like assembling the last minute, few little things that I needed to leave, and it was the simplest thing. I remember calling my husband and saying you know what? I'm missing one thing. That's the last thing that I need in my luggage. Actually, I want to bring this on my carry-on. I need little packs of Kleenexes.

Speaker 1:

And I remember his response. He was like why do you have to run to the stores before they close and stress yourself out for a pack of Kleenex? And I said well, I mean you know what if I sneeze, or what if I need a Kleenex? And I mean I don't want to leave the house without a Kleenex on me. I don't know if this is a mom thing. I mean I grew up with my grandmother always having some sort of Kleenex in her sleeve, upper sleeve. I don't know if it was used or not, but I, my mom, would do the same, and you know.

Speaker 1:

And so I always try to have a pack of Kleenex on me. And he said you see, this is the problem. And I said what do you? What do you mean? This is the problem. He's like you were probably going through everything that you have and realized one little thing that you're missing. And now it's on your mind and as you're running around doing the last minute things, now you're adding that to your mind and you're stressing yourself out, right, like you're thinking about Kleenexes. He's like we have Kleenexes in the home. We have big boxes of Kleenex in the home and you can just grab a tissue and and put it in your purse, or grab a couple and put them in a Ziploc, like it's not the end of the world. You don't have to go find some at the, you know wherever you buy them at the last minute and stress yourself out.

Speaker 1:

And my first reaction was uh, I was annoyed. I was annoyed that what he was saying made sense. Um, but it's the way that I do things. And so I stepped back and I said okay, you know what, out of the two of us, you're the calmer one, and so maybe I have things to learn from you, and so I'm going to, I'm going to listen to your advice. And so I did not leave. I was already out, but I didn't go out of my way to go get a little pack of Kleenex.

Speaker 1:

And when I got home, finished packing my bags and I was leaving early the next morning and put two little Kleenexes into my purse, I left for Abu Dhabi, came back at the end of the week. I left for Abu Dhabi, came back at the end of the week, those two Kleenexes were still there, and so he was right. And this made me think. So, when this mom, you know, shared this question or asked this question, I thought of this story where I was creating a mental load for myself and he helped me offload one of my thoughts. How many of those exist in my head right? How many times do I do that, where I'm creating a mental load that I can offload in some way, some shape or form, you know, by speaking to him about it, by writing it down, by asking for help from someone? How often am I doing that?

Speaker 1:

And so here are some learnings that I pulled out of the book called Essentialism, where they first say clarify what matters most. And there's somebody I'm going to share her Instagram account in the show notes. I'm going to be bringing her inside the Reflective Parent Club. She is absolutely amazing and she applies what she learned, also from this book, essentialism, in such a simple way that all parents can use. But the first one is clarify what matters most.

Speaker 1:

So what is essential? What are the or what can you focus on in terms of activities that day that align with your highest priority goals? So ask yourself, what is the one thing I can do today that would have the biggest or make the biggest impact? And I know that it sounds simple, but we don't do this enough. We power through our days, our weeks, our months. We don't step back and it doesn't take a lot of time to actually reflect on what is to come. What we are practicing within the reflective parent club is Sunday planning, so looking at our week ahead and seeing what can we reduce, remove, what can we add to in terms of self-care and personal activities that take care of our mental health and our physical health. What can we say no to, what can we delegate? And we're gaining that habit Now within.

Speaker 1:

You know what we're learning through this book Essentialism. We're looking at the bigger picture. So you can look at your day every single day, thinking about tomorrow. What is the one thing that I can do tomorrow, let's say, that will have the biggest, that will make the biggest impact? Or you can start your day that way how do you find five minutes to really sit down and start thinking about your goals and your tasks? Because, from my experience, when I do that, things are easier, and when I don't take the time to think through my day or my week, things are much harder because there is much more on my mind that I haven't put on paper. So the first tip Greg recommends is clarify what matters the most. So you ask yourself what is the one thing I can do today that would make the biggest impact? The second thing is say no to non-essential tasks. So learn to decline tasks and opportunities that really don't align with your priorities. It's creating a space for meaningful work by setting boundaries, and it's really important for us to learn how to do this.

Speaker 1:

If you are somebody that says there's just not enough time, first of all, there's research around time famine and they say that the impact on your body by just repeating that there isn't enough time in a day is as impactful as being ill physically ill to your body, because you are putting your body in constant stress by saying there isn't enough time. And so if we can stop saying that, if we can kind of look at our schedule which is what I do on Sundays and I'll look at my week and say I have too many meetings, I need to move some to the week, to the following week, or I need to cancel some or some of these meetings, as important as I thought they were. Can I say you know what? I'm really sorry. I know we planned something, but my plate's a little full right now, and so if you want me to join, your free whatever it is, I'm really sorry but I can't. So take a moment to look at your week this way, and everything that we're saying you can apply at home or for work as well.

Speaker 1:

And here's the other one that I like. So he talks about using this 90% rule. So just imagine that you've been invited to participate in a new project at work, but you're also juggling personal commitments and your main professional goals, and this is becoming a lot now. So if you apply this 90% rule, it says that you set a criteria for evaluation. So does this project align with my long-term goals or highest priority right? So if it's a different group of people at work and the goals that you have, your 90 day goals, you know this doesn't really align with what the work that they're asking you to do.

Speaker 1:

Can you say no? You know, will it help you develop any critical skills that you need for your own goals. Will it significantly contribute to your success or fulfillment at work? If you're answering no to these, then this project is probably something that you need to say no, to respectfully Decline it. It's okay, you will disappoint somebody, but in the end, you're not taking on extra stuff on your plate that you just can't manage anyways. And by taking on extra stuff on your plate work at home you're just not going to do everything at the quality that you want, and then you're going to be disappointed, and so learn to say no and focus on one thing or the fewer things that you need.

Speaker 1:

Another habit that we're trying to implement as well within the membership is planning time for deep work, or calm, like regulating your nervous system, and so this is what Greg says in his book protect time for deep work. So schedule uninterrupted time to focus on your most important task. Treat this time as a non-negotiable, and what we try to do as this non-negotiable is also self-care work, and so if you look at your week and you're like, you know what Monday, tuesday and Wednesday are really going to be difficult days, and so Thursday, before I I don't know come back home, I'm taking half an hour to you know, stay at work and read a book, or stop somewhere and grab a hot coffee and just speak to a friend on the phone. I'm going to schedule that in, I'm putting it into my calendar. So there's the deep work, as Greg says in his book. But I like to look at it as where, how can I kind of um, you're managing your energy right and so how do I fill my cup, or whatever, just sort of um. You know a comparison that you want analogy it could be a battery, it could be the cup, but where can I schedule this within my week? That is a non-negotiable, because I'm going to need this time to focus, to relax, to step back, to walk, to exercise in order to function properly with my family and at work. I need this. So put those into your week.

Speaker 1:

Another thing that we put, or we tend to put on our list, right, so this is something also that's interesting. So when you say you have a mental load, is it because you have just constantly this list of 30 things that aren't getting done? There are going to be priorities, and so can you write one or one to three priorities, and these one to three priorities, that might be a lot in one day, and that might be a month or a week, and so how can you start breaking this down into something that's a little bit more actionable? So you know again, if you get into the habit of planning every Sunday, what are your three priorities this week? What are three things? It could be work home, whatever it is, you can have this system for home and work separately, but I like to look at it as both.

Speaker 1:

And so maybe one week you're like you know what that closet has been driving me bonkers and I need to redo that closet because it's on my mind. How can I get that off my mind? Well, set it as a priority. But there are also going to be, and, as Greg says in his book, tasks that are in progress and we tend to put those in our to-do list or on our to-do list and although they're in progress, there's something that we're not going to check off, but we could check off when we worked on it that day. And what does working on it that day look like right?

Speaker 1:

So, again, if you think about the closet that I just said, maybe that's a task that you're going to tackle on a Saturday morning and you're like I'm not stopping until that closet is done. Or you might say I never have time on weekends to redo an entire closet and so I'm breaking this task down into small steps. This week I'm going to do maybe there are four shelves and I'm going to do one shelf every single night. And so your progress you're going to write in your week. You know, cleaning up the closet every single day, but it's in your progress section, not your priority, but in your progress. And so you're going to check it off when you've done a little bit. And that's great. You've done a big, a small part of it, and you just know that you're going to do it bit by bit as you're moving along your week.

Speaker 1:

It's not that one big one day thing, but what we do is we put it on our list and then we do a little bit. Right, it could be a Saturday morning where we get a little bit done and then the weekend passes and we didn't do anything. Guess what Monday happens. We wake up and we're like, oh, I didn't get that closet done, I only started it. And then we start, you know, getting upset at ourselves that we can't get things done, and then we become really mean to ourselves. I'm saying this because I've heard the parents within our membership. I know it, I do it too. I used to do this a lot more, now and before, sorry, and now things are different.

Speaker 1:

We have to be realistic in terms of what we are putting on our list. And so what can we do in terms of stating what the priority is that day, things that are in progress, and also preparing for the next day. What are small, simple things that we can do to prepare for the next day? Preparing your outfit, you know, slicing the vegetables so that they're ready, an onion garlic so that they're ready for tomorrow. Very small things that might take less than 10 minutes in total, that you can do at the end of your day to feel like you've prepared for your day. Guess what? Just that is going to make you feel so good, because you're going to say, hey, the Cindy of today cared about the Cindy for tomorrow, and it really does feel good, it feels great to do that.

Speaker 1:

The last thing is one thing that we have to be honest with ourselves. We have to eliminate distractions, right, because it's easy to say, okay, I wrote on my schedule that Saturday morning I am tackling that closet, and then Saturday morning happens and we're sipping our coffee and we're like, oh, I don't feel like doing this, I really don't feel like doing this. And then you look at that closet and you're like, oh, I hate you, why are you looking at me? And then you scroll, you scroll on your phone, and then you scroll some more and then you do something else, and then a child might need you for something. And then you notice that there are dishes and so you start doing the dishes and then, guess what, as you're doing all this, what's nagging? What's what's in your mind? It's that mental load of hey, remember that closet, remember that closet you were supposed to clean out. Right, it gets stuck on your mind and that is the mental load and it consumes us. It's too much, it takes our energy, and so I agree that the mental load is a lot, but what are we doing to offload some of this?

Speaker 1:

I looked into the research a little bit because I was curious to see what they had on time management and obviously I mean it makes sense. There was this one study and I'm going to post it in the show notes that spoke about how time management like when you learn effective time management it enhances job performance, academic achievement if you're a student and overall well-being, and this is why time management has to be something that I start bringing into the conversation. It's a skill that I think many of us really struggle with, and if you are a parent, that is neurodivergent, if you have ADHD, then you are somebody that might struggle with executive functions, and so executive functions allow you to plan and organize, and If that's something you struggle with, then just being mindful of this is the most important step. It's the first step, right To say, to admit it, to say you know what Time management is something that I noticed, I struggle with, or I start projects and I never start and I never finish them, I don't complete them.

Speaker 1:

I have 1 million started projects, whether it's with work or personal or home, and I just don't complete them. Then it's not about if you don't have ADHD and you just notice this. It's not about giving yourself. You know you don't have to go out to receive a diagnosis, it's not about that. But executive functions itself are something, or skills that cognitive skills that some of us do struggle with, and so just noticing is the first step and then asking yourself okay, where can I, how can I support myself, how do I set myself up for success when it comes to managing my time and my tasks?

Speaker 1:

And this one particular study it was interesting because it said personality traits will have a strong impact or influence on our time management. Success, and, in addition to that, overemphasis of time as a productivity tool can lead to stress and negative psychological impacts if not balanced with personal needs. So what they're trying to say here is we can blame time all we want on not being productive, which most of us do, but that's going to add to your ill being. It's not going to support your wellbeing, and so if you are somebody that often says there's just not enough time this week, I really, really want you to be conscious about not saying that, even if it comes up in your mind. Notice it, say hi, say hello, and then change that to something more specific, and you don't have to say it out loud.

Speaker 1:

But it could be that you didn't manage your time properly today, or that you didn't talk to your partner or your kids about how much was on your plate today and that you needed a little bit of support. Maybe you didn't say no to something that you should have said no to, maybe you didn't, I don't know everything that we spoke about today, right? So it's truly about taking the moment to look at your day the night before and to really set priorities and like what are the tasks that are in progress and what are the small things that I can do to support me tomorrow? Really preparing for that is the way to go about it and so well outlined in this book called Essentialism. So here are four take-home again sort of tips from this book, essentialism, that I think we can all apply as parents.

Speaker 1:

One identify your highest priority. So write down the tasks with the most significant impact on your long-term goals. And and you know, that's again based for work, but what you can do within your home is on Sunday what is what are your highest priorities this week, right? Is it, um, making sure that there are a certain number of cooked meals? Is it making sure that your children do well on an exam that they have? Is your priority this week to get a doctor's appointment? Is your priority this week to get out and exercise two or three times a week? What are the priorities that you have this week? And don't put 20 of them, put one to three.

Speaker 1:

Second, greg talks about where can you schedule blocks of deep work? You can add that for work if you want, but also as a parent. Where can you schedule blocks of recharging your battery, regulating your nervous system? It could be in small blocks of 15, 20 minutes. It could be a nice big block of an hour if you have that time. Whatever you can do, don't keep this information to yourself. Speak to your partner about it. Tell them I'm going to need half an hour on Thursday or Wednesday when I come back. I have meetings all day. You know the kids have the sports at the beginning of the week. I just need that half hour, but you can put your half hour somewhere in the week too. Let's book in a half hour for ourselves just to kind of unwind and, you know, regulate our nervous system and kind of connect with ourselves before we come into the chaos of evenings in our home.

Speaker 1:

Third, what can you say no to? What can you say no to this week? And if you take a look at your schedule that's coming up, maybe you realize oh, there are two things there that I could say no to. There's a family event that's really not needed. There's an activity, you know, a birthday party that my kid has Don't really need to go there. We don't really know them. I said yes and now I have this stress on my mind, I'm going to call and say no. You don't have to give reasons why. By the way, I think that when some of us struggle to say no to somebody, we give them this really long-winded reason why we can't come. So sorry, I can't come. This happened, and most of the time we're lying. Can we be honest with ourselves? Sometimes, you know, most of the time, actually, we're lying if we're coming up with an excuse that's so long and so just say no, just say I'm really sorry, I won't be able to make it. And if they say why? Just say I'm really sorry, I won't be able to make it. And if they say why? Just say I have a few things on my plate and I really can't make it this week, so thanks.

Speaker 1:

Lastly, Greg suggests that we batch low income tasks, and so what that means is, you know similar tasks that are critical or less critical activity, sorry, like emails for work. It could be certain things in your home, like a 10 minute cleanup. Oh, speaking of that, I've been doing this with my kids and I have to record a podcast episode on just this alone. My kids are cleaning up a lot more because instead of us doing it in big batches, we do it in small batches. So we have either five minute speedy cleanups or 10 minutes beady cleanups, and that what that looks like is I give them a very specific directive of I put the timer on and in five minutes I want that section of the living room cleaned. Or, guys, in 10 minutes I want you to pick up your room as much as you can. Don't just wait for the 10 minutes to pass, but in 10 minutes I need you to do as much as you can. And they are loving it, they love the time factor and they love that it's not the entire room and I've noticed that things are cleaner.

Speaker 1:

So again, batching low impact tasks, and so if it's, um, you know, uh, I don't know, maybe cleaning up your entryway or putting all the shoes together, that's a disaster. When you walk into your home or some part of your house where you're like, oh, this is just, there's a lot. How can you batch all of that and say, okay, I'm going to give myself 10, 15, 20 minutes, whatever works in your schedule and say I'm going to do as much as I can, but put it in your agenda, in your calendar, your planner, whatever it is, so that it is there and you remember. Okay, you know we dinner and then I'm batching 20 minutes of all these things that are on my mind and I can't get them out, but I'm going to get them done. I'm going to get them done right away so that once the kids are in bed I don't have to think about it. I hope that you enjoyed this episode. I do believe that once we start taking control a little bit more in terms of, you know, writing things down and not seeing it as this ongoing list of tasks, we need to kind of plan that a little bit better. It really does help us and that mental load becomes a little bit easier. Nobody can take away the meals and the cleaning and the kids and who needs what and preparing things for their school and work. Look, all of that is always going to be there. But what can we start doing so that it makes things easier for us?

Speaker 1:

If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to send it to somebody that you know it'll help out.

Speaker 1:

Send it to a friend, share this with your colleagues at work who are parents.

Speaker 1:

If you don't know how to share it, email me info at curiousnarrowncom. And if you do leave a review, please send me a screenshot and this week, if you want, I will give you our reflective parent journal. It's a digital journal that is $30. I will give it to you for free as a thank you. That is how important it is for me for you to kind of leave a review. It has to be a review, though, if you want the free and not just the reading, the review. So send me an email, info at curiousneuroncom, and if you want to come say hi, make sure you join our newsletter. You can follow us on Facebook Facebook, yes. Or Instagram, curious underscore neuron and come inside the reflective parent club to see how good it feels to feel supported and to learn how to regulate your emotions, to react less, to yell less, to feel more in control of your inside so that it's reflected on everything that's happening on the outside with your child, to feel more calm and connected. I will see you next week. Bye.