Curious Neuron

Creating Lasting Memories with Your Children

• Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. • Season 7 • Episode 5

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What if your automatic "no" responses are stealing precious moments of joy with your children? This week, I share an eye-opening personal story about how a spontaneous water gun fight with my kids became a treasured memory and a lesson in the power of saying "yes." We dive into the roots of our instinctual refusals and explore practical strategies to be more present and connected with our children. Discover how tools like emotional intelligence, effective communication, and stress management can enrich your parenting experience and turn fleeting moments into lasting bonds. Plus, I'll highlight some invaluable resources from the new Curious Neuron website and the Reflective Parenting Club to support you on this transformative journey.

Get ready to embrace those brief, joyful moments that can make a world of difference. This episode also teases exciting upcoming conversations, including a deep dive into healthy parent-child relationships with a parent interview, and a chat with a New York-based researcher about the influence of teacher-child interactions on your child's development.

Don't forget to check out the show notes for a free wellbeing kit and other useful tips. Let's make this week about turning some of those "no's" into meaningful "yes's" and finding joy in the little things. Join me and let's reflect on how we can all be more present, compassionate, and emotionally intelligent parents.

Use code PODCAST50 to get 50% off your first month (only $14.50) to join us this month inside the Reflective Parent Club. Learn more below:
https://curiousneuron.com/join-our-club/


Other Podcast episodes you might enjoy:
Why is parenting hard for me but it seems so easy for my partner? It's frustrating!

The science of happiness with Stephanie Harrison, author of the New Happy

How I taught my kids to take each others perspective during arguments

Get your FREE 40-page well-being workbook:
https://tremendous-hustler-7333.ck.page/reflectiveparentstarterkit

Join our membership, The Reflective Parent Club to learn how to manage your emotions and model this for your child. Use code PODCAST 20 to get 20% off any membership and get 2 FREE WEEKS to try it out
https://curiousneuron.com/join-our-club/

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Speaker 1:

Hello, my dear friend, welcome back to the Curious Neuron podcast. My name is Cindy Hevington and I am your host. Curious Neuron is all about offering you emotional intelligence skills for you and your children, and so if you are looking for ways to manage stress, to regulate your emotions, to model emotional intelligence for your child, to help build stronger connections with them, then this is where you come for these practical skills that are also based in science. In the podcast, I try to interview people that will bring you parts of these skills. Emotional intelligence is very vast and so, like I said, it could be about stress management, it could be about social skills that help you with a conflict with your partner or with somebody else, it could be about effective communication in terms of how to speak to your child, and so I want to make sure that I can bring you everything that will help you be more mindful and intentional in your parenting, but also apply these skills that help build a stronger connection, not just with your child, but with yourself and those around you.

Speaker 1:

Today we are talking about something that I touched on very briefly a few episodes ago. There was a day where my kids asked me to play with them outside and to play, to have a water, a water gun fight, and I had said no. And so today we're going to reflect on when can we turn, at least once a week, a no into a yes. And the reason why I want to cover this is because there might be different underlying reasons why we're saying no, and I want us to really give some thought today to whether or not it needs to be a no that day and what reasons we're saying no for. And, most importantly, I want you to feel that pure joy that comes with those moments of being present, releasing yourself of any of these thoughts or worries or task lists that we have on our minds all the time, and to truly connect with your child. And in the way that I experienced it, it just brought me to tears, if you remember the story. So we're going to get into that in one minute, but first I would like to thank the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute and the McConnell Foundation for supporting the Curious Neuron podcast.

Speaker 1:

Without these two organizations, this podcast would not be here. I would not be here sharing all this information with you, and so thank you to those two organizations that this podcast would not be here. I would not be here sharing all this information with you, and so thank you to those two organizations. And the reason why they are able to sponsor us, by the way, is because you are here as a listener, so please make sure that you are subscribed to the Kirsten Ron podcast. Please make sure that you leave a rating and a review. These are the metrics that they're looking for in order to sponsor the podcast and to say, hey, people actually care about the podcast. So please take a moment to do that and if you haven't click out, take a second. I'll wait for you and come back and adjust. At least rated over five stars and, if you have a few extra seconds, leave a very quick rating, whether you are on Apple Podcasts or on Spotify.

Speaker 1:

I have added quite a few new articles on our website, so if you haven't visited kirstenroncom by the way, this summer I revamped the entire website and it's looking pretty good. So have a moment, take a moment to go, look at the website, and when you click on magazine, you will see all of the new blogs that I've been putting up, and I make sure that I try to add some podcasts that are related to the blog. So if you want to give the blog a quick read. It usually says how long it takes to read the blog usually around five minutes and then you can listen to a related podcast that is interesting to you to continue your learning around this topic. I've also started doing that in the show notes of the podcast episodes so that if you missed an older episode maybe you're new here to Curious Neuron you can look at the show notes and see some of the related episodes or some that I think you might be interested in, and so that will help you continue listening to the podcast and focus on different topics that are interesting to you.

Speaker 1:

And lastly, if you do want to continue listening to audios I don't know if I've ever mentioned, but within our new membership, the Reflective Pairing Club, we have an entire section that's based on audios, and so, for you, if listening to an audio is the best way that you learn and consume your content, then all of the audios. And so, for you, if listening to an audio is the best way that you learn and consume your content, then all of the audios, all of the reflections that we do every single week within the membership are in this audio section, and so, when I have something for you to think about, or something I'd like you to apply within your home. I build an audio because I know that many of us parents don't have time to sit and watch a video of a course or a webinar, and so listening to an audio is one of the most effective ways that we can continue doing what we need to do while learning, and so that is why I wanted to make sure that the membership had an audio section. This week's Tuesday reflection call, which is our weekly meeting, is going to question do I allow myself to feel pure joy? And I know that your answer might be automatically yes, but when we dig deep, we realize little moments when we don't do this, and so if you'd like to join us in this call and even try it out for a month, please use the code PODCAST50. This will give you one month at 50% off, and it'll allow you to get a little taste of what the membership has.

Speaker 1:

The week after that, we are talking about, or reflecting on, whether we show ourselves some compassion during really difficult moments. We just had a Q&A with a couples therapist which just was mind-blowing. All of us were taking down notes as fast as we could, including myself. Vanessa Morgan was just amazing, and now, in October, our guest of the month is Stephanie Harrison, which I had on the podcast a few weeks ago. She is the author of New Happy, and so if you want to explore how old, happy sort of creeped into your life and might be impacting or not, allowing you to feel the full happiness that you deserve, then come join the membership for this month using the code podcast50. The links are in the show notes. All right, my dear friend.

Speaker 1:

So today I want us to think about moments during the week where we often or we say no to our kids. So maybe our child is asking us to go play with them and the answer is no, because we're doing something in the home, right, we're cleaning, or we're cooking, or just doing something that we're checking off our task list, something that we're checking off our task list. Maybe our child is asking us to do something when we are outdoors, maybe playing at the park in a certain way. Or maybe they want to play pretend and they are asking us to be this character that they've built and they want us to play this game, maybe inside the home, maybe outside the home, maybe at the park. But we say no and I'm saying this humbly because I've done this myself and I've done this unconsciously just saying no to a, to say yes sometimes, not all the time. I'm not asking you to pretend to be a pirate and to jump off the play structure at the park, but I'm asking you to question why.

Speaker 1:

And here's the reason this past summer there was a moment when my kids asked me to have this water gun fight with them, and my initial response was no. The reason why I had said no in this moment was because we were in between the tennis games for our kids, so not games, but our practices. So our kids were taking tennis lessons this summer. My youngest had his course in the morning and then my two oldest, two older kids, had their course later in the afternoon, and so what that meant was we'd come back, play outside, have some lunch, play a little bit more and then go back to the tennis court at the park. The in-between time was a time for me to obviously prepare their lunch, put everything back, put everything away and clean up. Maybe get a load of laundry done, clean up the kitchen a little bit more. If I had time, maybe get some kerosene on work done.

Speaker 1:

Right, it was my time to do a few things, put a meeting in between there, and so when they asked me to have a water gun fight, saying no to the work wasn't the hard part, and this is why reflection is so important. I stopped myself. First I said no, and then I asked myself why am I saying no? Sort of like the way Connie explained to us in the last episode around play and preschool, she kept saying why no? Why am I saying no? And the answer in that moment was I just didn't want to get my hair wet. We were about to go back to tennis and my hair was down and I didn't feel like having to tie it, which was my own response.

Speaker 1:

And then the second reason was I didn't want to run around in a bathing suit. In my backyard. We don't have a pool, and so my kids will often end up being in their bathing suits in the summer because they're playing and they're having fun. People see inside our backyards because in our, in our backyard, because of the way that my backyard is made Um, and so I didn't want to have neighbors see me run around in my bathing suit. It was just there's no reason to be in a bathing suit, I don't have a pool. Those were the honest reasons that came to my mind.

Speaker 1:

I it's important that in those moments when we're asking ourselves why, that we're honest, not just saying well, you know I'm tired. If the honest truth of you not playing something at the park is because you don't want to, you know you don't want people to see you playing, or maybe nobody else is playing and parents are chatting and you don't want to be the only parent going there, maybe that's possible. But really, truly being honest with yourself is where we start learning the reasons why. And again, it doesn't mean that you're going to play or do what your child says every single time, but allowing yourself to say yes every once in a while. Maybe the goal is going to be one yes every week. How can you turn that no into one yes every week?

Speaker 1:

And so, when I asked myself these questions and realized that the two, the reason I was saying no, the two reasons why I was saying no, were they really the end of the world? Was it really the end of the world that I was showing up to tennis class with my hair wet, tied up, probably with a cap on? Who cares? Was it really the end of the world of running around in a bathing suit in my backyard. Who cares? If somebody was driving by and saw me? Who cares? I did because, socially, I've placed this expectation and these standards that I need to meet. So who cares, really, who cares? And so I surprised my kids that summer, or this summer, and that day went back inside and as they were preparing, I went back inside the house and put on my bathing suit and when I came outside I wish I had a picture of their reaction, their faces, and a video of their reaction to seeing that I was going to be part of this water gun fight.

Speaker 1:

Not only was I part of it, I thought of a game and the game was so fun, so I took a die and I said I, my child, whatever, it didn't matter who was the number, but let's say my youngest was number one, second child was number two, third child was number three and I was number four. Number five and six were free for alls and I was going to roll the dice to start, and if it rolled let's say my own number or one of my kids' numbers then that child was not allowed to grab one of the six water guns that we had laid down in the backyard and had to run. And we had to attack that child with the water until they grabbed the die, because at the same time as I would roll the die it would fall to the ground. I would say the number and then I would throw the die across the backyard, so that child had to run and get the die and roll it as fast as they could to roll a different number or the free-for-all. And this game was so fun. We played and refilled the water guns a few times. We were soaked.

Speaker 1:

Obviously we had such a blast on this hot day and, as I said in the podcast, before I came to the patio door and opened the door, my husband was working at the dining room table and I just started to sob and he was like what's going on? What's wrong? Are you okay? Did somebody get hurt? And I said, no, I'm just so happy. I had so much fun with the kids. I had so much fun being a kid in that moment and forgetting everything else that needs to be done and all the adult stuff that I have to do.

Speaker 1:

It was pure joy, and my kids are offering me these opportunities every single day. Opportunities for pure joy and I decline them. I say no, for whatever reason are the ones that many of us are searching for. We are looking for moments of happiness when, in essence, they could be created within our home with our children, and in one of Brene Brown's books she talks about how we don't often reflect on the fact that we struggle with allowing ourselves to feel pure joy, which is why we're reflecting on this within the Kirsten membership called Reflective Parent Club. That is this week's reflection, and if you could identify with this scenario, then give it a try.

Speaker 1:

She talks about how, when we get a promotion or something good happens to us at work, that we will be happy and feel the pure joy for a very short amount of time, because then it often goes towards a more negative thought. So, for example, I can't believe I got this raise. Wow, I'm sure something will happen at some point. Something bad will happen right. Or it could be something good that happens in our life and we say, wow, everything is just really perfect right now. Or it could be something good that happens in their life and we say, wow, everything is just really perfect right now, I'm sure something bad is about to happen right, so we don't live in that pure moment of joy very long.

Speaker 1:

And so, my dear friend, this week, when you say no to your child, just bring to your awareness the question why? Ask yourself why you are saying no? If it's a game that they are playing that you really don't enjoy, that's okay. But is there a no that you will say this week that can be turned into a yes? Also, we need to keep in mind that if you are saying no because you're busy within your home, is there one moment that you can turn that no into a yes and take 10 minutes. Is 10 minutes really going to impact the home and the chores that you are doing? I don't think so. But what I can tell you is that 10 minutes of connection without you being distracted, without your phone, without you thinking about anything else, and truly joining your child's world. I do promise you that it will help you feel connected to your child and that your child will feel connected to you.

Speaker 1:

When you do feel that pure joy moment with your child and you see them smiling and laughing and you feel at peace and happy, take a moment to express gratitude because in that moment, sometimes again, we are just so busy, being on autopilot, that we forget to sit with that moment and to let the joy soak in and truly penetrate, right it? We need to do that in so many moments because we're always so busy we have to get to the next thing. We're playing with our child, but we're thinking about the laundry that needs to be done. They don don't matter. They don't matter. Our child won't remember how clean the home is. Our child and children will remember those small moments. In fact, as I've been recording this episode, my five-year-old who woke up it was early in the morning and I was trying to get this done before the kids woke up he came and snuggled up on top of me as I was recording this episode, and so he heard me record this episode and I just paused the recording to ask him if I can ask him a question. So let's see what the answer is going to be.

Speaker 1:

I'm curious do you like it when mommy takes the time to play with you? Yeah, why do you like it? I don't't know. You don't know. Why is it important to you? Because I get to be with more people. What games do you like playing with Mommy and Daddy? Are you yawning? Did you just yawn. What games do you like to play with mom and daddy? You like to play board games or sports? Oh, board games, board games. What's your favorite board game? Oh wait, I don't know what it's called. We competed at Tiger, tiger the boy. I'm not sure those are the games you play with daddy, right? I think it's called rocket, rocket, huh, okay, do you feel loved when mommy, daddy play with you? Really, you feel loved when we play with you? He's. He's nodding his head. Why? What makes you feel loved when we play with you? I don't know. Okay, thank you very much for being on the podcast. What are you going to go do now? I don't know. All right, well, we didn't get much out of him and now he ran out of the room. So, all right, my dear friends, I think that is all for today.

Speaker 1:

I hope that this brings awareness to how often or the reasons behind you saying no to your child. Again, this is not an episode where I'm trying to convince you to say yes every single time. The goal here is to change one no every week into a yes, and I think that is a realistic goal, right? We're not going to say yes every single time and of course, there will be moments that, when we ask ourselves why that we have a good answer. We just we only have a few minutes to get something done. Or we're leaving the house and our child asked us to do something, but we can't. We have to leave for whatever reason, right? So, of course, not every single no will be turned into a yes, but one. I want you to search for that one, and that means that every time you say no, you ask yourself in your mind why not?

Speaker 1:

And if you want to join me this Tuesday at 12 pm Eastern or at 8 pm Eastern to reflect on whether or not you allow yourself to feel pure joy, I can't wait to talk about this. I think it's going to open a lot of really important conversations as parents where we put a lot of pressure on ourselves and we don't allow ourselves to feel that pure joy. Come join me. Use the code PODCAST50, get 50% off your first month. Give it a try for a month and come join all the weekly Q and A's, listen to the audios and just continue building on your emotional intelligence, which is what we do here at Curious Neuron when I talk about emotion regulation skills, and you know responding rather than yelling or reacting. That is all part of emotional intelligence and the most beautiful part of that is that it leads to connecting, having a stronger connection and stronger relationship with yourself, with people around you and your child.

Speaker 1:

I hope you all have a beautiful and wonderful week. I will see you next Monday. In that episode I am interviewing a parent we are bringing in bringing back parent conversations, and I can't wait to hear if you enjoy it or not. And the week after that I brought in a researcher from New York and we are going to talk about what is a healthy parent-child relationship and how does the teacher-child relationship impact your child's academic skills and their social emotional learning. So I can't wait to share that episode with you. Have a beautiful and wonderful week. I'll see you next Monday. Bye, oh, and grab your free wellbeing kit in the show notes as well. Have a look at the show notes. It's always full of information for you. Bye.