Curious Neuron

What are your 2 core values and how do they help you make hard decisions?

• Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. • Season 6 • Episode 34

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Last week inside the Reflective Parent Club, we assessed our core values with our special guest expert Christina.

Today, I walk you through this and help you identify your 2 core values. We chat about what this means in your life, what to do if you partner's values don't align with yours, and reflect on if your core values are similar to how you were raised.

Assess your values:
https://jamesclear.com/core-values

You might want to listen to these podcast episodes:
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish: How to maintain a healthy relationship after having kids

5 regrets I don't want to have when I am 90: lessons from my grandmother

Mastering Parent-Child Conversations with Negotiation Skills



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Speaker 1:

Hello, my dear friend, welcome back to another episode of the Curious Neuron podcast. My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host. I am a mom of three from Montreal, canada, and my goal is to share the science with you that focuses on effective parenting practices, parental well-being and personal growth. I have a PhD in neuroscience and I studied mental health and how it impacts our emotions and our cognitive ability, and as I became a mom, I started searching for information about parenting and realized that there was a lot of advice out there, but there wasn't a lot that had to. That gave me the sort of why behind their advice. Obviously, now it has changed. That was many years ago, but I want to continue helping you, the parent, realize that your role is just so important that you have to nurture yourself, and that is my goal. Today we're going to talk about something that we looked at inside the Reflective Parent Club, which is a membership I'll be launching in September, so in a few weeks. If you are not on the waitlist and you want to make sure that you get the special discount that I'll be sending as a one time offer when we launch, make sure you click the link in the show notes and join the waitlist. So we have been testing this membership during the summer and what we had is our first Q&A with an expert. Every single month, I bring in somebody that will help you with personal growth, well-being or parenting One of those three and personal growth as well has to do with relationships. So we're going to have a relationship expert coming in in September. Actually, I had her on the podcast. Dr Tracy Taglish is a relationship therapist. I'm going to put the link to her episode in the show notes and if she is somebody that you want to have direct access in a Q&A, then make sure you join the waitlist for the Reflective Parent Club.

Speaker 1:

What we looked at with Christina Simonella this month was our values, and I thought that it would be important for us to cover that today here together during the podcast, because what came to mind was that we don't evaluate our values very much, and I'm building a workshop for a school right now actually not a school, an entire school board, if you are a principal or a vice principal at the Sir Wilfred Laurier School Board. I'm going to be there today, actually on the 19th, and I'm going there to talk about wellbeing and leadership and something we going there to talk about well-being and leadership, and something we're going to look at are values, because research that focuses on burnout has seen that when your values are not aligned with your work environment, then there's a disconnect and that leads to a higher chance of burnout. Well, the same thing applies in our home, and so I wanted to walk you through obviously not the entire workshop that we had on values the replay is available inside the membership but what I want to do is at least take a moment to give you some time to assess your values, and if you're out for a walk or you're busy doing something right now, don't worry, you don't need a pen and a paper. But it would be important to kind of come back to this, because knowing what your two core values are really help align you when it comes to difficult decisions or setting boundaries right. So if you have a value of family and you have work or a friend, that's kind of taking you away from that and it doesn't feel right, you're not going to build that strong connection with that person or you're not going to feel as happy as you could be at work, because they are going against the values that you have, and so it's very easy to say something like there's something off right or I'm not sure what it is, when many times we could kind of bring it back towards our values. And that is why today I wanted to talk about values, but before, as always, I do want to thank the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute for supporting the Curious Neuron podcast, as well as the McConnell Foundation. Both of these organizations are the reason why this podcast still exists, and you, of course.

Speaker 1:

So thank you for taking the time to rate the podcast and review it. If you haven't done so yet, click out of the podcast. I'll be waiting for you. Click out and just at least rate it on five stars, wherever you're listening to it on Apple podcast or Spotify. And if you are an Apple podcast, take another couple seconds to let me know. In the reviews, write a little review, one little sentence, and it's greatly appreciated if you do that, because those are the types of things that allow the podcast to continue. And if you aren't subscribed to the podcast, make sure you click on that button so that every single Monday you see that there's a new episode. And if you have another extra little second, share it on a Facebook group, a parenting group. Share it with a friend. If you work at a school, share it with the school. Share it with other parents. Please help me get this podcast, you know, to help it grow, because I do think that we can help parents by reminding them that they're important and sharing the science with them.

Speaker 1:

All right, so I obviously can't go through an entire list of values, because there are a lot, but I'm going to read through some and what I want you to do is kind of think of which ones align with you and the decisions you've been making in the past. Right, so there's accountability, achievement, adaptability, adventure, altruism, ambition, authenticity, balance, belonging, caring, collaboration, commitment, community compassion, confidence, connection, cooperation, courage, creativity, curiosity, diversity, environment, ethics, fairness, family, faith, forgiveness, freedom, friendship, fun, generosity, gratitude, growth, harmony, health, honesty, humility, humor, independence, justice, kindness, knowledge, leadership, knowledge, leadership, love, loyalty, openness, optimism. Oh, so I am reading through them. No-transcript, uniqueness, vulnerability, wealth, well-being, wisdom. All right, so I did read through them.

Speaker 1:

This gives you a list of I don't know how many, but quite a few different values that we can have. What I'd like for you to do is write down maybe 10 that stood out and I'm going to go through mine, and then you can obviously go back and listen to this episode to see or the few seconds before to see, which ones really align with you. So, as I did this activity, I wrote down compassion, connection, curiosity, fairness, family growth, growth, integrity, learning, loyalty, perseverance, respect, trust, travel, well-being. These are all, as I give it a read, you know quickly those that stand out to me. And then what you have to do is, once you've narrowed it down to these 10 or 15 values, is take the time to think about people you align with, or past decisions that you have made, and what sort of aligned you when you were making that decision. It could have been a difficult decision. It could have been a boundary that you needed to set with somebody. Why did you set that boundary Right? So if loyalty is a value for you and you have a partner that doesn't feel loyal, or a boss or a partner or a colleague that isn't loyal, maybe that feels kind of, you know, not right for you, and so it's important to kind of think about past decisions or people again you align with. What I was able to narrow it down to was compassion, connection, curiosity, which, by the way, makes sense Curious neuron is based on those three Family, growth, respect and trust. Now, that's still a lot. The whole point of this activity that we did in the workshop was to come down with two core values, and that's only. That's not a lot. We're still at seven. You know about seven right now. So what was important was the realization that sometimes there are these umbrella terms and we might have, you know, a family, for instance. For me, once I tried to narrow it down from seven to five, to three, to two, family kept trickling down, and so I said to myself of course, family has to be one of my values. I have a family and everything I do I have them in mind. But what was interesting is that, as I kept staring at the values that were in front of me, as you keep narrowing it down, you think about what you do in your life and how these values sort of apply and connection kept coming to me because, regardless of it being with my family or friends or with people, right From the podcast, from social media, from Curious Neuron, I have spent the last two months connecting with people that are part of the Curious Neuron community.

Speaker 1:

I am more than halfway through, you know, having conversations with people that are part of this community and it's been the most amazing, beautiful, fulfilling experience that I've ever had. Knowing who's on the other side, knowing the mom or the dad that listens to the podcast has been, is truly inspiring, because I get to know your story and now when I'm talking about these topics, I'm thinking of you on the other side. So that, to me, is the best part of what I do. But I never got to do that before. I never got to connect with the people on the other side, and that is one of my two core values. It's so important to me. So I was able to let go of the family value, knowing that the way that I interact with my family is through connection, taking the time to do something meaningful with them being present. That truly is one of my core values.

Speaker 1:

And then I kept looking at what was left on my list and growth came to mind or was the one that was standing out and so I thought about how that applied to my life, and for me, growth is the education piece, the personal development or personal growth piece as well, and it's something that's just really important to me. It's also something I bring into Curious Neuron. Now, right, so about a year. No, that was two years ago now. I had shared with you my journey in terms of just writing this gratitude journal and that's when journaling just came back for me, the importance of reflecting. That's why I'm calling the membership the Reflective Pairing Club.

Speaker 1:

Growth to me is about learning and introspection and reflection and, you know, having discussions that might not be comfortable but that allows you to grow and I value that very much. So those were the two values that stood out and that came out as my two core values when I thought about again everything that's going on in my life, the past and the present. Those two values came right out of that page I'm going to give you the link to I think it's James Clear or somebody. Yeah, I'm going to give you the link to a page so that you can see all of the values and kind of do this on your own. But I really encourage you to do that this week because it kind of reminds us that sometimes things are not aligned and we don't have a word, you know, that describes how we're feeling.

Speaker 1:

But we know something is off and I think that when we take the time to assess our values, we realize that when we are in alignment, everything feels a bit easier and less stressful and less overwhelming. Somebody asks us something or, you know, asks us to do something and we know that it's not aligned with our values. Or we're at work and something is happening that's just not aligned with our values. It feels a little bit easier to set that boundary because you know at your core that this is not what you believe in or what you want to follow in terms of that guidance in your life. And so when I brought the values conversation back into the Reflective Parent Club this week after we had that workshop, I asked everybody to think about how values apply in their life Now that they knew the two values. And I'm asking you to do the same.

Speaker 1:

Once you come up with your two core values, step back for a week and think about how they come into or play into your life and how they help you with decision-making or how you might not have been using them for decision-making, and now you kind of see that. So by next week, come back to this, and something that's really interesting is to think about whether or not these values are aligned with the values that you were raised with. In all honesty, I'm not even sure what the values were. You know, when I was being raised and it's not a fault to my mom, she was a single mom. I think it's really about just kind of her powering through and trying to survive this single life, this single parent life with two kids, and it was really hard for me to kind of pinpoint that. So there was a bit of that like sadness when I realized I asked everybody this question and I started reflecting on what were the values coming from my childhood.

Speaker 1:

What was interesting is that there were some people within the membership that were reflecting on this and said, well, I don't align with the values from my family and there's a sadness to that. There's almost like a feeling of you're doing something wrong because if you were raised with a value of faith or spirituality and you don't align with that anymore, you feel like you've done something wrong towards your parents Sometimes not everybody, but if you do feel that way, I do encourage you to work through that and to think about why that feels uncomfortable. Journal about that. Take the time to go for a walk and think about it. There really is nothing wrong with having your own set of values now as a parent. I think that's part of you know, coming into this role now is reassessing what that looks like. And your values today, by the way, in 2024, might not be your values next year, by the end of 2025. And that's okay. Things shift and I think that once we're comfortable with them shifting a little bit here and there, that we can be okay with them having shifted from what they were when we were growing up. On the other hand, there were people that said their values were very well aligned with what they were raised with, and so sometimes our values stick with us and they become our core and we never shift them.

Speaker 1:

Here's the important part and here's the challenging part. What many people brought up during the Reflective Parent Club meeting was that their values were not the same as their partners. That can be very challenging. If your value is around faith and I don't know connection, and you have a partner whose values are very different from yours and faith is not part of that and you want to bring that into the relationship, but they don't have it as a value, what do you do? I think this kind of brings up the awareness that there needs to have some conversation, up the awareness that there needs to have some conversation. Ignoring that your values are very different will not make it better or fix it or magically change the values that you have.

Speaker 1:

I think it's important to have these uncomfortable conversations and, as I saw from the membership group, many people had values that don't align with their partners. Now, as our workshop Q&A expert, christina, said, that doesn't mean it doesn't mean that you have to have the same values as your partner. She spoke about her value, one of her values being fun and adventure, and her partner not having that as a value and being the complete opposite, where everything has to be calculated, and so there's a flexibility within our values as well. If our partner loves adventure and we don't that's me, by the way. I'm the one who doesn't, and my partner, my husband anthony, loves adventure. I can't align with that, but there has to be some give and take right, and that's where the conversations become very important, because it's very, very important, because it's a much more simple conversation to have if the value is adventure, but it's a much more complicated conversation to have if that value that you want to talk about is loyalty or faith or spirituality and that doesn't align with your partner. You are raising a family together, and so, if your values are completely different, trying to see how that fits within the way that you want to raise your children is an important conversation to have.

Speaker 1:

We had somebody with love and growth as their two core values and somebody else who had connection and growth and faith and family. So, you know, obviously somebody has spirituality and compassion, and then another person who and faith and family. So, you know, obviously somebody has spirituality and compassion and then another person who has faith and family. Well, there's some sort of connection, right, every single value isn't completely disconnected, but knowing what that means to you and how you want to apply that within your family, that's an important conversation to have.

Speaker 1:

Now here's something else that came up in the Reflective Parent Club that I want to make sure we talk about is not to take this website or kind of podcast episode and throw it at a partner and say, like you need to tell me what your values are and we need to figure it out. There has to be a different conversation, right? So maybe opening up by saying, hey, I've taken this assessment and I wanted to reevaluate or reassess what my values are, and now I know that they're love and growth and I've been reflecting on how that applies within our marriage and our relationship or our family and my life and work and life balance and all that. And I'd love to talk to you about it if you don't mind. Right, like having that conversation and then maybe your partner, who's never really taken the time to assess their values they don't doesn't necessarily mean that they have to do that now, but at least having the conversation about what that means to you, what do your own values mean to you and how can you bring this into the conversation and tell them what that looks like for you in your life, right? So, if family is really important for you and you've had this sort of pull to stay home or to change what work looks like for you, if they're pulling you in a certain direction and that's taking you away from your family and you do have the ability to reduce your hours, then have that conversation with your partner. I hope that you do have that relationship that allows you to openly express how you feel and to share, you know, and be vulnerable and to be opened, because that's what a relationship should be like, but I know that some people don't have that, that sort of space and that openness or freedom to do that. And I think that's when it becomes a little bit more complicated. And maybe if you can't have the discussion around values, if it's that difficult, then maybe it's a sign that you do need a bit of support with you as you're having these difficult conversations, that maybe you do need a therapist with you, there by your side, so that you can have these conversations and move past them and work together on them, because they are important conversations In the end, these two values like mine connection and growth it's our authentic self.

Speaker 1:

Without connection and growth I honestly don't know who I am. I'm not the adventurer, I'm not anything else. That is who I am at the core. And so living my life without connection and growth, I don't know what that feels like and I don't want to know, because that's what's important to me. But it doesn't mean that I always have to kind of push it at its maximum every single day. Obviously I can't connect with everybody every single day, that would be really overwhelming. But at least acknowledging sometimes when something feels off that I haven't connected with my kids or my partner or myself or a friend, and coming back to that value and saying I need to connect with that person right now to feel good. You know that's important.

Speaker 1:

All right, I hope that was helpful and I hope that kind of brings up the awareness of the importance of values and that you need to be very clear on what they are. And if you don't know what they are, click the link in the show notes. It'll bring you to a page that has values and you use the guidance or use the questions that I've asked you kind of looking for your 10, 15, narrowing it down to your five to seven and then thinking about past decisions, people you align with, you know from the past, people you look up to what feels good to you and I think that'll help you come down to your two to three and then imagine life without these values. You know, if you can't bring it down to two and you have your five in front of you and you're like, wow, I strongly believe in these five values and I think they are important. But think about what kind of matters most to you and think about life without these five values and then kind of see like which one would feel the worst for you. Right, and the purpose, the feeling, the love it would be gone. I need connection, and maybe that connection word for you is something else. Maybe it's love, maybe you show love in different ways and that means something to you. It'll be different for everyone, but taking the time to do that, all right, I have a special treat for you.

Speaker 1:

Next week it will be the last episode of season six of the Curious Neuron podcast. I can't believe it. Next, in September, so in a couple of weeks, I will be launching season seven of the Curious Neuron podcast, along with the launch of the Reflective Parent Club, my first membership, and I'm excited for all of these new things. First, membership, and I'm excited for all of these new things. What I want to do next week is a bit of a Q&A with me. So I'm putting the link to a Google form in the show notes and you have all week to write or ask me a question, and I'm going to try to answer as many as possible. What I will walk you through next week is the story of Curious Neuron. How did it begin? You will never believe how it began and how I kind of snuck my way into, you know, launching Curious Neuron. Anyways, I will share all of that with you, but I want to give you the space to ask me a question.

Speaker 1:

I have been asking you guys questions in the meetings that I've had with you guys and one person this week was like can I ask you a question about homeschooling? You don't talk about yourself on the podcast. And that kind of made me laugh because I said you know, I really really struggle with talking about myself. I share. I have three kids. I have a five, seven and nine year old. I'm in Montreal. I have a PhD in neuroscience.

Speaker 1:

Everybody knows that part, but more than that, I guess you guys don't really know a lot about me and you know if you have questions about my life, how I balance things or not, if you know me, if you have questions about my childhood, I talk about coming from a single. You know, growing up and being raised by a single mom. I've spoken about my father leaving. But if you have other questions, please ask me. Ask me in the form and I will answer as many as I can next week, because I do think that this is my way of thanking you.

Speaker 1:

You have every right to want to know who you're listening to every single week and I so appreciate that you're here and I know that I struggle with the small talk and sharing my personal life. It's who I am at the core. I don't share on Instagram. I don't like talking too much about myself. I like talking about topics and deep conversations, but when it comes to the bits and pieces about my life it's kind of not that exciting. But if you want to know, I will share with you and I will do my best to share the journey and the story and the birth of Curious Neuron and where we are going. Soon we will be hitting episode 200 in season seven, probably around December, and I just can't believe that you're still here. Thank you so much for being part of Curious Neuron. I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Speaker 1:

Please take a moment to rate the podcast, review it and subscribe and share it and let's continue our journey together as we kind of move forward in our parenting journey and work on ourselves and do the inner work and understand our child and understand ourselves. I want to be there every step of the way with you, and the way that I described the podcast to somebody that I was chatting with is I want every episode to be a hug from me to you. I hope you feel that I want you to know that. You know it's not always easy to be a parent. If anything, it's usually hard, and I want to be there with you to remind you that. You know it's not always easy to be a parent. If anything, it's usually hard. And I want to be there with you to remind you that you matter, that this is hard and that's okay, but give yourself a hug at the end of the day because you made it and tomorrow will be a new day. I will see you next week. Have a beautiful and wonderful week. Bye.