Curious Neuron

How your well-being of today could impact your relationship with your future teen

• Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. • Season 6 • Episode 32

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I read this fascinating article that looked at parental well-being of parent with teens.

This article reminded me of a few things that I think you should know as well. There are lots of things we should be working on today that can have an influence on our well-being when our kids become teens.

Life's purpose, our relationship and conflict resolution skills are talked about and I give you a few reflection prompts.

Here is the article I talk about:
Predictors of Psychological Well-Being of Adolescents' Parents

Read a FULL SUMMARY of this article on the Curious Neuron website:


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Thank you for being here my dear friend! See you next week!

Cindy xx

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Speaker 1:

Hello, my dear friend, welcome back to another episode of the Curious Neuron podcast. My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host. I am a mom of three based in Montreal, canada, and my goal is to create this sort of community or platform that supports parental well-being. I think there are lots of you know parenting resources out there that do such a great job, and I just want to sort of like extend that and make sure that you have a place for you where you can pause every week and take a moment to reflect on something that can make a difference in how you are speaking to your child or building the relationship with your child, or working on the relationship with your partner or family members or colleagues or co-workers. You're going to see, we're ending now this season of the podcast and as we go into September, there will be a very slight shift of Kirsten on not a shift but, I guess, an expansion of the content that I cover. I want to make sure that you are looking at all areas of your life and that's not just the relationship you have with your child, it's the relationship you have with yourself, with your partner, with the adults around you and at work, and this work life. You know, um harmony, balance, whatever you want to call it, um that you kind of work on, and I want you to have harmony across all of these relationships and to feel um well, feel happy, and and that's what I want to work on with you. So you'll see a little bit of a stretching you know, stretching of the content that we do to cover all of that.

Speaker 1:

In today's episode I want to extend what we spoke about last week. So we spoke about psychological well-being I will put the link in the show notes in case you did not download that freebie that helps you assess the various domains of your psychological well-being, based on Carol Reif's work. Today I wanted to talk about something that is sort of a how did I say this? Like you're going to do this work today for your future self and for the relationship that you'll have with your future teen if you don't have one yet in your home, and it was based on an article that I came across that I felt just kind of complimented what we talked about last week. So we're going to do that today. But, as always, I first want to thank the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute and the McConnell Foundation for supporting the Cures Neuron podcast. Both of these organizations believe that it is important for us to put science out there in a way that is accessible to everyone and understandable, and that is the whole goal of Curious Neuron.

Speaker 1:

It all started because I wanted to share the research of child development and emotional development, specifically with parents. But as I moved forward in my own journey and as I had more conversations with parents, I realized there was no point in sharing emotional development with you if you were not emotionally well yourself, and so my goal is to make sure that I start with you and we'll sprinkle, you know, effective parenting practices within that. But the focus of Curious Neuron is on you, the parent. If you haven't done so yet and you want to do so, I am. I do have a goal this summer of speaking with 100 parents. I'm almost done filling up that schedule for the summer, but there are some spots left. I will leave the link to my calendar in the show notes if you want to have a conversation and chat. I have been enjoying every single conversation that I've had with people in France and Japan and Australia and Canada and the US. It has been the most humbling experience to meet you on the other side of this, listening to this podcast every week and getting to hear your story, because the stories that I'm hearing are shaping the content of Curious Neuron in a way that I never thought would be possible. You are showing me that I need to extend this, because there are so many factors in your life that impact your well-being, and when your well-being is impacted, it impacts how you parent your child, and so that is why I will be extending the content of Curious Neuron.

Speaker 1:

Metrics matter. They matter for the funding that I did receive to get another season of the podcast. So if you haven't done so yet, as a thank you to me, just take a moment to rate the podcast and to leave a review, whether it's on iTunes or Spotify. That's all I want is a thank you for for creating the podcast. That's my hug from you and and that will be very appreciated. If you also want to chat, you can take a moment to click the link in my calendar or just send me an email at info at curiousnorncom.

Speaker 1:

As most of you know, I will be launching my first ever membership, called the Reflective Parent Club. That'll be launching in September, and only those on the waitlist will receive a very special discount at the opening in September, on the first week of September, and so make sure that you click the link in the show notes to be on that list. And we are testing this membership and it is beyond anything that I expected. We have a pre-launch group going on this summer and it is just so amazing to see how all of this content of Curious Neuron is coming together to shape these weekly meetings that I have with parents and how parents are having so many of these aha moments and reflecting on their relationship. How do I, you know, what does conflict resolution look like in my home? Am I taking ownership for certain things? Am I building resilience skills and what does that look like for me as a parent? We are growing together as a community in this membership and I can't wait to open that up for all of you in September. Also, this week there will be a free webinar.

Speaker 1:

So if you want to join that, this deals with the sort of psychological well-being domains that we spoke about specifically purpose in life. So if you feel that you're, as your child's, getting older and now you've placed your focus on your child for so many years and now you're, the meaning of your life has sort of shifted and you're not sure where it is. What we're going to do with this leadership coach on at the workshop is look at or reassess our values and see how that is connected to our life's purpose. And I think it really helps to take a moment pause and kind of do this assessment for the first time perhaps, or reassess it, because maybe our values have shifted now that we're a new parent. So, whether your child is two weeks old or 12 years old, I do think it's important for us to take a moment and reassess our values, because that's what's going to help us place boundaries at the right spot. Maybe a relationship with somebody doesn't fit within our values because of what they bring to the table and we need to kind of move away from that relationship. That's not easy and we're going to talk about all of that at the webinar. So it's free. You can join this week. It's live. You do have to join live, but you can click the link in the show notes to join the membership the webinar.

Speaker 1:

Okay, we are going to do something scary right now. I want you to close your eyes for five seconds and to picture the life you will have when your child is 15 years old, 15, 16 years old. What do you want it to look like in terms of your relationship with your child and your own personal life? So maybe when you took that pause, you thought about having a relationship with your child where they can come to you and say anything that they want. Maybe you pictured a relationship with your child where they still enjoy time with you. Maybe you pictured a moment, you know, when your child is 15 and you are having a bit more time on your own to focus on yourself. Maybe you pictured some worries you might have whether or not this will happen and what it might look like when your child is that age and the struggles you might have. So the reality is that parental or parent-child conflict usually increases when our kids become teens, and the reality is that parental well-being often decreases when our kids become teens. And this is why the focus of this episode is you thinking of your future self, something you might not have done yet and I believe in being proactive and preventative and starting things today in order to, you know, think of that person tomorrow. And I think this applies very much so when it comes to thinking about when our kids are going to be teens. Because it's not then. It's not in the moment when our kid is going to be 15 years old and yells at us and says something or we realize, holy crap, like I have not built a strong relationship with my child. Let me start now. It's not that it's too late, you can, but why not start today, when our kids are young, to build the small steps towards that very strong relationship?

Speaker 1:

I came across this study called predictors of psychological well-being of adolescent study called Predictors of Psychological Wellbeing of Adolescent's Parents. Let me say that again Predictors of Psychological Wellbeing of Adolescent's Parents. This was in the Journal of Happiness Studies and it was published a little bit. It's a little older, it's 2011, but I still think there were very valid conversations to be had and I'm going to bring this to the podcast today and to social media and to the Reflective Parent Club, the pre-launch group. I just think that there's a lot that we can think of and learn from from this study. So there are some good news from this study. I don't think that we should fear our children getting older and going into those teenage years, but I think that we should be mindful of what that looks like in our home in terms of the relationship that we have with our kids.

Speaker 1:

So the overall finding of this study was that parents most parents, when their kids are teens are going through their midlife changes, and they said, particularly with moms, when it came to the meaning of your life and life's purpose, that had an influence on wellbeing and stress and that had an impact on the relationship with their teen. And then, when it came to dads, marital satisfaction seemed to have a greater impact on their own well-being and their relationship with their teen. The parent-child relationship did not have as big as an impact as we thought it might have on the parent's well-being. So it's not just about, it's not about the relationship you're going to have with your child. That's going to cause you not the stress, but that will impact your well-being. It's everything that happens when you are that age when your child is a teen. Isn't that a shift in perspective, right? So that is why I'm saying that we need to think about the future self, because the more well right you are and that means we're starting to work on this now the easier it might be to support your child in those moments of need when they are teens, in addition to building that relationship with them. In this study, the fathers that reported having a or being more satisfied with their marriage tended to evaluate their lives and themselves more positively. They felt more competent in managing their environment and reported more trusting relationships with others. Fathers with a higher marital satisfaction also felt more capable of affection and intimacy and their lives felt more purposeful.

Speaker 1:

So, again, going back to thinking about today, how would you rate your relationship or your marriage? And if you are going through some conflict, what does conflict look like for you in your life? These conflict resolution skills, which we've spoken about before, are such important skills. Are you able to be accountable for things that you have said or done During an argument? Are you still being respectful? Is the person you are having an argument with your partner being respectful to you? And if they are not, are you able to set boundaries Right? All of these things, and more obviously, will impact the relationship we have with our partner. And if we let that continue, if we don't sit down as a couple and say this relationship matters to me and I want to make sure that it's strong, because once our kid becomes a teen, that will shake us, and so we need to start the work today to build on this marriage and to build on this relationship and these arguments that we're having, or the way that you are talking to me or the you know, maybe it's you, maybe it's them at least showing up right now today to list what needs to be worked on together as a relationship, as a marriage.

Speaker 1:

If you are not in a current relationship, I have had some conversations with parents who listen to the podcast and have just experienced or gone through a divorce. We can still work on conflict resolution skills. We can still think about what do I need to work on from the marriage that I just ended or that was just ended. Do I need to show up for myself right now, in this moment, when I am not with somebody else, and work on conflict resolution skills? Perhaps I'm seeing these come out when I'm speaking to a parent or a colleague or a friend, or perhaps I need to work on myself, because maybe, when something comes up in an argument that triggers me, what are my triggers? There's so much work that we can do that will lead to building strong relationships and this will help us in the moment of need when our child needs us, and perhaps the relationship we need to work on is the one with ourselves. Maybe we will not have a partner when our kids become teens.

Speaker 1:

I experienced that through my own upbringing. My mom was a single mom from the moment I was 11, and so the relationship that her and I had really shaped my own decisions as a teen which, by the way, were not, and so if I would have had a stronger relationship with her, I would have come to her to certain things, but that trust was missing, and that wasn't done intentionally. She was trying to be that authoritarian figure which meant that I couldn't share things with her, that I couldn't open up, and in retrospect I truly wish that, you know she would have kind of held herself accountable for certain things or apologize when she needed to, or, you know, there's just so much that could have been changed. But I am who I am today and that's okay. But I know now what I want to do with my kids and I think that sometimes we feel like when we're the authoritarian, like we are the leader in their lives, that we can't make mistakes or show them that we make mistakes or be vulnerable around them, and that's not true.

Speaker 1:

If they see that, think about your own boss and your own leaders in your life. When they are vulnerable, we connect with them. When they do point out their flaws or things that they're working on, we connect with them. When they do point out their flaws or things that they're working on, we connect with them. When they do show up as a strong leader, set boundaries and also show empathy, we connect with them and we trust them. We need to do the same thing for ourselves and for the relationship we have with our child and in our personal life.

Speaker 1:

When it comes to the moms in this study, they spoke a lot about you know your own, your self-acceptance and your purpose in life and your autonomy, and it only makes sense that when your child becomes a teen, that's when you have a bit more time to step back. And again, this whole episode is about just reflecting on this so that we can say well, I don't want to wait until my child becomes a teen for me to question where's my autonomy or have I worked on self-acceptance or what is my purpose in life? Do it now, do it today, start journaling about it. I want to read this quote to you, specifically about mothers in the study. So they said mothers with higher perception of negative midlife changes, evaluated themselves and their past life less positively and reported poor relations with others. So, for example, they felt less capable of strong empathy, affection and intimacy and found it difficult to be warm and open in interpersonal relationships.

Speaker 1:

This highlights the whole reason why I've shifted everything I do to focusing on parental well-being. It is so easy to power through our life as a parent. Days pass by, it's faster than a blink of an eye and it's easy to be on this sort of automatic not automatic autopilot. That's what I was looking for where days and weeks and months pass by and years pass by and then we realize either we're not happy or we're stuck in this groundhog day sort of situation and, besides work that might not bring meaning to your life, what else do I have? Of course we have our children, but what else do I have? And this was the whole reason why I created Curious Neuron.

Speaker 1:

I had started a first version of Curious Neuron, which was in person, and I had an office in a clinic and I was working with kids and their parents, but I stopped that after I had kids and then it became the blog, and the blog started for Kirsten Ron, because I was missing that part of my life where I would read research and talk about it and get excited about the research I read. That still excites me to this day, when I read an article and I realize how impactful this article can be if somebody else knew about it. That still excites me today. That's why I'm sharing this article with you, right? So if only we did not stop doing that. Find little things that matter to you today in order to keep nurturing and feeding your well-being for the you of tomorrow. And if we don't do that, we find ourselves in a situation where our kids are teens and we are struggling with our well-being, our relationship, our friendships and everything around us, and that, according to the study, is what makes the period of our kids being teens much harder. And so this article again is just highlighting things that I've said before, where it starts with you.

Speaker 1:

It's so easy for us to place the focus on our kids, the parents that I've been speaking with. One thing that really strikes me is that parents who have kids ages four and under are very hyper-focused on getting to know that kid and trying to be the best parent for that kid by reading parenting advice. What do I say to my child. What activities do I do for this child? Which toys do I buy for this child? Which books should I buy for this child? That's important, sure, but we're forgetting the what do I need to be the best parent for this child? And that doesn't stop. It should not stop and it should, if anything, become stronger once we become a parent where we keep assessing our values, our needs and and nurturing ourselves, our growth and so on, so that we can be the best version of ourselves for our kids. Okay, so I do want to.

Speaker 1:

I spoke a lot about different things, because this article highlighted a few different points that I thought were important, but here is a kind of summary, or the time for you to grab your Curious Neuron notebook. And if you have a Curious Neuron notebook, by the way, can you send me a picture? Send me a picture on Instagram or Facebook, or you can email me info at curiousneuroncom. I'm just curious to know how many people have started a notebook, because I've been bringing up a lot of reflections and I will continue to bring this into the podcast in the fall, because I do think that when we take time to pause and reflect, that we grow from this, we get to know ourselves more, we get to notice certain things that we might not have had awareness of before, and that is how we build, you know, stronger relationships with ourself and with the people around us. So here's what I want you to reflect on today.

Speaker 1:

Let's start with your relationship. What are three things that you believe need to be worked on in your relationship? And, of these three things, what is your responsibility or role in these three aspects? And what is the role or responsibility of your partner? Because we need to think about both parties. You could even do this with your partner, right? It might not be comfortable, but you each need to write three things that you think need to be worked on in your relationship. And again, it's not about pointing fingers. It's about saying this relationship matters to me, it matters to us, and I think we need to be aware of the three things that need to be worked on. We might not start working on all of them, but let's show each other that we're taking the baby steps to improving the quality of this relationship and, even if things are going well, you can still do this activity together. Again, it's for your future self and for the future of your child.

Speaker 1:

The second question I'd like you to ask yourself is what is meaningful to you, what brings you meaning in your life or purpose, and what's been interesting of the 100 conversations that I'm trying to have this summer. I'm at about number 40 now and there are about 80 people in my calendar until the end of August, I think, beginning of September, beginning of September. All this to say that what has come up is that we all have this sort of need to help others and to support them, and that when we help somebody else, it feels good. If, by the way, this is something that does feel good for you, send me an email at info at curiousdrawncom, because I do want to have some parent mentors that are going to be part of the Reflective Parent Club in September. I'm still trying to test to see what that's going to look like. It's not necessarily a job, so this might be like an hour a week where you jump onto the platform and have conversations with parents, but if it's something that you say, hmm, I'm actually interested. Email me at info at kirstenroncom.

Speaker 1:

So all this to say you need to ask yourself what brings you meaning in your life besides your kids, besides you know, the role you play as a parent. What brings you meaning to your life? I personally love helping others as well, but what brings meaning to my life as well is learning. I am a forever I will forever be a student and want to learn. I read books and I read articles, and then I stop and reflect and think about how I could apply this in my life and that brings me meaning. It's the most beautiful thing and that's for me.

Speaker 1:

It might not be for you, but just think about what brings you meaning to your life and once you've thought about it and written down maybe one or two things, are they part of your life? If they are not, how can you bring them back into your life in small steps and maybe bringing that back into your life? So let's use reading as an example and learning, or just disconnecting and reading a book that's a nonfiction book, whatever it is or helping others how can you bring this back into your life? That makes sense with your life, and this might mean cutting something out, right? So if you're scrolling on social media or watching TV as of 8pm at night not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that, but if you say I have no time to read, if you're saying you have no time to read, then is there a possibility of cutting out something that you're doing somewhere else in that day to bring in something that brings you purpose?

Speaker 1:

And then the last question is take time to write something down, write a little paragraph. What do you want your relationship with your child to look like when they are teens? And if you are already struggling with conflict with your partner right now, or the adults in your life, if you often lead to yelling, if you're not setting the boundary, if you're not saying what you want to say in an argument, or if you struggle with emotion regulation skills or effectively communicating what you want, or maybe you use harsh language and you know this but you haven't worked on this, take the time to think about that, because this these conflict resolution skills that you have or skills you need to work on will impact that parent-child relationship with your teen. You want to be able to hear them say things to you and be able to respond to it, not react to it. So start the work today for your future self.

Speaker 1:

I hope this episode was helpful. If you are not subscribed to the Curious Neuron podcast, take a moment to do so. Click on that button and follow us on Instagram. Curious underscore Neuron. You could join the Facebook page. You can just join at Curious Neuron on Facebook and, as always, visit the website CuriousNeuroncom. Everything you need to know is there with new articles and I thank you so much for listening. I will see you next week and I hope you have a beautiful and lovely week. Bye.