Building Confidence as a Parent

In this episode, Cindy reflects on her conversations with parents and the importance of feeling connected and supported. She introduces the concept of parental self-efficacy and encourages listeners to reflect on their own confidence as parents. Cindy provides a brief self-efficacy scale for parents to assess their level of confidence and offers guidance on how to improve it. She also discusses the impact of setting high standards for oneself and the importance of self-awareness in parenting. 

Takeaways

• Feeling connected and supported as a parent is crucial for personal growth and well-being.
• Parental self-efficacy, or the belief in one's ability to effectively manage and positively influence their child's behavior, is influenced by confidence.
• Reflecting on one's level of confidence and identifying areas for improvement can lead to more effective parenting.
• Setting high standards for oneself as a parent can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.
• Self-awareness is key in recognizing and addressing areas of improvement in parenting.

Sources:
Factors associated with parenting self-efficacy: A systematic review
DOI: 10.1111/jan.14767

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Transcript

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Parenting Self-Efficacy and Reflection

Speaker 1 0:00

Hello , my dear friend . Welcome back to another episode of the Curious Neuron Podcast . My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host . Now I'm starting to know that when I say hello , my dear friend , that I know who's on the other side . I have been speaking to parents and I'm at about number 30 out of 100 parents than 60 scheduled interviews between myself and parents who are part of the Curious Neuron podcast and social media community and followers of the blog . I am blown away by the level of connection that I end up having with every single parent that I speak with , and I'm not just saying that .

Speaker 1 0:41

I try to schedule in 20 to 30 minutes for each conversation , but I've been talking to parents for about 45 to 60 minutes . It's been really hard to stop the conversation because I am in it . I'm not just listening to them , we're talking about parenting and our own struggles and we relate to each other , regardless of where they are in the world . There are so many similarities across parenting and today we're going to talk about one of the topics that seems to come up . There are quite a few topics . I'm taking down notes . I literally re-watch every single conversation that I have . I take notes and I'm trying to pull out everything that I can from these conversations quotes . You know things that will help us feel less alone as parents , because , although I'm talking to 100 parents , I know there are thousands of parents that listen to the podcast , that consume Curious Neuron content , and so many parents showing interest in the upcoming membership that I'll be launching in September , called the Reflective Parent Club , where parents are just saying they want to feel less alone , they're ready now to take time for themselves , and you know what that looks like is . Well , we're starting to work out and exercise if we can , but more than that we are trying to find ways to nurture ourselves for the first time and meet our needs , and that means reflecting and taking the time to connect with others and learning and growing together as a community . We are in the middle of the testing two months of testing for the membership , and I am truly blown away by the connection that parents are gaining because we are meeting on Tuesdays , we get to see each other and we know who's who , and we're able to see this person back on the platform and talk with them and say , hey , how's it going ? I remember you had a struggle with your toddler , or I remember your elementary school kid is , you know , struggling with being home during the summer . Whatever it is , we are finding ways to connect because we see each other and then we're online . So it's really been an interesting journey , and for myself , too , I'm using the platform .

Speaker 1 2:53

There's something that happened last Friday where my daughter had a bad dream , as she called it , and nothing necessarily bad happened , but she had a dream where both my husband and I were elderly and very old , as she said , and that scared her because that meant we were close to dying . And this was the first time . I'm going to reserve this conversation for another podcast , but just to show you , you know , how I'm gaining from this , this membership myself . I woke up , you know . We went to bed , we woke up that morning and it was still on my mind that I comforted my daughter , and it was the first time that I wasn't able to say this bad dream isn't possible . And that was really , really hard because I , really I just I let her cry . I held her . I , you know , I hugged her , my husband , and I comforted her cry . I held her . I , you know , I hugged her , my husband , and I comforted her , and I couldn't say that monster doesn't exist or , I couldn't say , there's nothing under your bed or in your closet , I couldn't say anything . And so as I sat there with her and my husband and we try to comfort her , she was crying hysterically . I told her that it was a beautiful part of life . Getting older meant she was going to get older and bigger and have more experiences , and that every day I got to know her . It made my life better and more valuable and beautiful . And so that means that if I'm very old , as I was in her dream , then I had gone to know her as that older adult and that was a good thing and that was true . I , you know , I do try to perceive aging and getting older that way , but it doesn't mean that fear .

Speaker 1 4:39

If you have been part of the podcast , you know there was an episode I'll put the link in the show notes where , after I gave birth , I had these , really mostly with my first , but these really intense fears of dying . I cried every day , multiple times a day for the first few weeks or months , but hyper-focused on the fact that we live and we die . We're born and then we die , and I was aware for the first time that I was going to die and I couldn't live forever . But now I had this beautiful human that my husband and I had created and all of a sudden I realized I couldn't be with her forever . So that was really hard , and my daughter having this dream , kind of brought all of that back . So we're going to talk about that .

Speaker 1 5:28

Maybe the next episode or the episode after this summer is all about solos , and I just want to bring the conversations that I'm having with parents out here in the forefront and give you some advice . Obviously , I'm not just going to share it with you , but I'm doing that because I know that there are parents out there listening to this and perhaps feel all alone in their thoughts and in their struggles and challenges , and I want you to know that you're not alone . So we're going to talk about that dream another time , but today I do want to focus on our confidence as parents , and that , in science and research , is called self-efficacy . We're going to talk about that for a little while and I'm going to give you some reflection prompts . So , if you haven't done so yet , I really encourage you to either start a note section on your phone , grab an app that allows you to take notes and look back .

Speaker 1 6:18

A journaling app or just a notebook . I have a regular notebook that I bought at the store . It's not a fancy journaling notebook . I like spirals . You know , grab yourself a nice pen that you enjoy , a highlighter , something fun . But just start doing that more and more with Curious Neuron , because I want to get into your head and help you get out of your head . I'm probably going to write that down and use that as a quote , but that truly is my goal . In the most non-creepy way , I do want to get in your head because I want to be not myself that's even creepier but I want Kirsten on and what you learn here to be the way you think and the thoughts and so when you're having a conversation with yourself , you're able to use what you've learned here to reflect through what you're going . You know you're experiencing as a parent .

Parental Self-Efficacy Assessment and Reflection

Speaker 1 7:11

But before I begin , I do want to thank the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute here at the Neuro , which is part of affiliated with McGill University , for supporting the Curious Neuron podcast , and the McConnell Foundation . I'm so grateful for both these , both of these organizations , and you know , I know that I've been saying for a couple of weeks now that I wasn't sure what was going to happen with the podcast . I am happy to announce that , as of last week , I have been told that there's going to be some funding for the podcast the . That's the . That's the good news . So the news that I'm struggling with , that I'm going to figure out , is that it's been about halved , so there isn't as much as I thought there would be .

Speaker 1 7:57

So I'm going to have to give some thought into how I could manage this podcast . Maybe have some more solo episodes , maybe bring in some parents , because the cost is when you have a guest and you know , maybe I'll find somebody who can help me if you want to edit the audio or edit the video , anything that we can get a support , you know . That way we could keep creating this content and putting it out there and making a difference for parents , because that is my goal and I love what I'm doing with the podcast . So I will find every single possible way . It will continue and I will find a way to make it so that it benefits you , the parent , because I know that some parents here are listening while they're folding laundry , while they're taking a walk , while they're attending to daily tasks in their home , and for that I am forever grateful that you are part of this community and continue to listen to and download the Cures Now podcast , all right .

Speaker 1 8:54

So today I'd like you to start questioning , or reflecting on , what your level of confidence looks like , because research shows that our level of confidence will impact the style of parenting that we are more comfortable with and how we nurture and support our children . So what it's called in research is parental self-efficacy and what it's defined as a parent's belief in their ability to effectively manage and positively influence their child's behavior . So it includes the confidence in knowing what to do , being able to do it and believing that these actions will be effective . That's pretty important as a parent . But I know that you know , even just if you think about your work , how often do we question ? You know the quality of our content , of our work and of ourselves when we parent . The more we are stuck in this , overthinking or doubting , you know the level of quality of our parenting . It does impact our confidence or our self-efficacy .

Speaker 1 9:59

There are some scales in research that they use , and I'm going to use the brief version known as the Brief Parental Self-Efficacy Scale , and there are only five questions . So I encourage you to grab a notepad now , pause this and come back when you have the notepad or you've opened up your phone . If you're driving , if you're doing something , then come back to this because it will help you to at least assess where you're at . It's only five questions . There are much longer scales , but I want you to at least have an idea of where you stand . Each question has a five point scale , so one being you strongly disagree . Two is disagree . Three is a neutral number . Four is saying that you agree and five is strongly disagree . So you will answer that for all five questions .

Speaker 1 10:55

So here's question number one what I need to do with my child . So , even though I may not always manage it , I know what I need to do with my child . So how would you rate that on a scale of one strongly disagree to five strongly agree ? Number two is I'm able to do the things that will improve my child's behavior . Would you score that ? Where would you score that Between a one and a five ? Number three is I can make an important difference to my child . Would you score that ? A one , two , three , four or five ? Number four is in most situations I know what I should do to ensure my child behaves . Score that from one to five . And the last one is the things I do make a difference in my child's behavior .

Speaker 1 11:52

Now that you've looked at your score right , each number is a point right . So if you have five items that you scored at a one , that's 5 points . So you can score anywhere from 5 to 25 . Now here's the thing Once you've looked at your score , there isn't necessarily a cutoff saying that you are confident and you are not . But if you do have a score anywhere I would say between 18 , around 18 and lower there's definitely room for improvement . Which score ? We can look at it this way which score is your lowest score ?

Speaker 1 12:41

If it's that you don't think you can make an important difference in your child's life , then start reflecting on that . One question today why ? Why don't you feel you can make an important difference , you know , in your child's life ? What sort of evidence do you have that leads you to believe that you would be able to make a difference in this child's life ? Is it what you've been doing , you know ? Maybe as a parent , you feel that you've been yelling a lot . Is that leading to you feeling that you won't make a difference in your life . I'm just throwing things out , right , but take the time to look at these five questions . This is what I like . There aren't many questions , so at least seeing your overall score .

Speaker 1 13:19

If you scored I don't know , let's say , 12 and under , do you feel that your confidence in how you are parenting and the fact and not the fact , but your belief in the impact you believe you can make on your child ? If it's very low , when are you noticing this ? When does it creep up ? Does it come up when you are trying to discipline your child ? Do these thoughts or this feeling of not , I don't know , being the level of parent that you'd like to be , or just feeling that you keep messing up ? Whatever that feeling is , can you notice it ? Do you know when it's happening ? Do you know when those thoughts are coming or crossing your mind ? Do you see , can you see when it impacts you , where this parent in particular had a very important job managing and leading lots and lots of people in a medical situation or field . So it was , you know , an important job , and then this mom in particular switched from that job to becoming a stay-at-home mom . Job to becoming a stay-at-home mom . Well , my sort of observation around that is that mom went from being a leader to perhaps not being the leader or not feeling like she was the leader of her home and her child .

Speaker 1 14:57

Because now you're not alone . Right , you're co-parenting , but you can still see yourself as a leader . You are the co-CEO , you are still a leader , but it's important for your partner to sort of have actions and words that make you feel that way and that you have the actions and words that make your partner feel like you're both the leaders of your child . But then you as an individual , you also need to remind yourself that you are the leader of that child . So if you are alone with that child , or you are disciplining , or you know setting a boundary or a consequence , and you show quote unquote weakness , right or not knowing how to lead , or you are not confident in that moment , a child sort of sees that , right , they can feel that .

Speaker 1 15:45

So we have to remind ourselves in those moments when we feel less than or not good enough , that we are good enough . We are the leader and being part . You know , an important part of being a leader , whether you're the CEO of a company or you're a parent is knowing and being , you know , confident in the fact that you will make mistakes , but you are open to learning , to reflecting , to changing and always evolving . And once we are able to do that as a parent and realize those mistakes , they don't matter in the sense that they don't make us look like a bad parent . But we're going to have a lot of mistakes , and the important part of that is to move past them , to learn from them . Then things start to change in our confidence . Whether we're parenting our child or we're at work , we are learning and growing and building , and that's the beautiful part of all of this .

Speaker 1 16:42

What's important to question and reflect upon is also the standards , perhaps , that we are setting for ourselves , and so I invite you to question that as well this week . Are you setting yourself up for failure , in a sense right ? Are you setting a certain standard for yourself as a parent ? And what I mean by that is are you creating this sort of perfect idea of a parent that has the entire weekend planned ? Or there was a mom that I spoke with , one of the parents that I had a chat with , and she struggles with summertime because our kids are home , and she was trying her best to create the most perfect day . You know different activities arts and crafts , cooking together , which is beautiful . Not saying not to do that , I think it's great . But if , at the end of the day , you didn't have time to bake the muffins and you colored and went for a walk and didn't do the arts and craft activity that you hoped you would , that's not

Building Self-Awareness in Parenting

Speaker 1 17:52

a failure .

Speaker 1 17:52

If you see that , as I didn't do enough for my child , that's when you should be noticing . Oh , that feeling has crept in . Okay , I need to get that one out . That's when Kirsten Ron steps into your brain . That's when I'm in your head . Right , I want you to say , to notice . To me that is truly the first step of everything that I do and all the work that I put out there is noticing . If you go to my new website , kierstenrauncom , by the way , it's entirely new and thank you , david , who put the website together . I'm really excited about it , Still making some tweaks , but you can head on to the website and on the first page .

Speaker 1 18:32

You know I took the time over the past few months to think about what a curious neuron parent was . What are the skills that I'm trying to help you build ? And that first part is awareness , noticing things right . And once we start noticing , then we could see also well what needs to change . What do I need to reflect on or what do I need to kind of get a little bit more curious about ? That's the first step , and I truly believe that noticing is not as easy as we think .

Speaker 1 19:02

So if you feel that you scored a lower score on this self-efficacy scale or you don't feel like taking the test , that's fine , you don't have to do it , but you do feel less than or not enough very often . Just thinking about it that way , then I do want you to still reflect on these questions of where is this coming from ? Is it from my past ? Is it somebody else's standard ? Am I creating a very , very high level of expectations for myself ? Take the time to notice . When are you feeling this way ?

Speaker 1 19:44

And I know that it's not an easy step and it will take time . Everything takes time but at least starting this way will allow you to step back and say , wow , it's every time my young child has a tantrum where I feel I've messed up and I'm not good enough , and then I question if I do have the right skills , and I know that you don't even have to have a child who speaks to you to feel low in confidence . You might have a newborn and the newborn is crying and you've rocked it , You've walked , you've sung to your child and your child is still crying . Your baby is crying a lot and there's nothing that you can do in that moment . That's when the self-efficacy and the confidence that sort of creeps in and you start questioning why can't I just do this ? Why can't I soothe my own baby ? I don't have the right skills . I'll never be able to do this .

Speaker 1 20:46

I thought I would . I always had this vision in my mind of being able to soothe my child , and I can't . And then your partner soothes your child or your in-law or your parent . It's very easy for our score of self-efficacy to go down , and so today I really want you to question where you stand on this score , and if you do have you don't have to have a perfect score , but let's say 20 and under or 18 and under around there to start questioning which aspects of this can I work on ? And so , my dear parent , I hope that this episode has helped you realize that it's okay to make mistakes , but that in the end , you do know what's best for your child and if you don't , it means you need to get curious , get to know your child , get to know yourself , and if you are ready to get to know yourself , then come join the waitlist for the Reflective Parent Club .

Speaker 1 21:42

This is exactly what I want to help parents do . I think we've put ourselves to the side long enough . This is not a parenting community there are enough of those . This is a space for you moms and dads , caregivers , people who are with children and knowing that you have to be well in order to support that child in front of you and that when we are not at our best , we cannot support that child and nurture them the way that we know we can . That is the reason why I created the Reflective Parent Club .

Speaker 1 22:15

We are testing it this summer and it'll be ready to launch in September . And if you are on the wait list , you get a discount , so make sure you're on that list . You'll be getting notifications and emails to let you know when it's out , and if you listen to this and say , you know what I really need this now . We took 10 parents in July and we will need 10 parents in August , they will get a certain discount that will allow them to join the club before everybody else , knowing that I'm making mistakes as I go , and I want to learn by having these parents there and seeing what works best for them in creating a space where they can reflect and support each other and support themselves , reminding themselves that they matter .

Speaker 1 23:02

If you do want to join the July cohort , send me an email at info at curiousnoncomcom . Or , as I always say and , by the way , when I jump on the call with parents and they say you know , you always say to reach out to you , send an email . And I don't , but I wanted to , I'm serious Send me an email , an info at curiousnawncom . Come say hi . And in the show notes you can join the wait list or click the link and come say hi to me . Even if you're listening to this and you're not a parent and you consume the content , I want to say hi to you . So click on my calendar link and book an appointment . My dear friend , I hope you have a beautiful and wonderful week . I will see you next time . Bye .