Curious Neuron

When you feel like a shitty parent for giving your child a consequence...

• Cindy Hovington, Ph.D. • Season 6 • Episode 28

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In this episode, Cindy discusses the challenges parents face when setting boundaries with their children. She shares a personal experience of setting a strong boundary with one of her kids and feeling conflicted about it. Cindy emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries and provides reflection prompts for parents to work through their struggles with boundary-setting. She highlights the empowering nature of boundaries and the positive impact they have on building respect and trust in relationships.

Takeaways

  • Setting boundaries is an essential part of parenting and helps build respect and trust in relationships.
  • Parents may feel conflicted and even guilty when setting boundaries, but it is important to prioritize the well-being and growth of their children.
  • Reflection prompts can help parents navigate the challenges of setting boundaries and prepare for potential resistance from their children.
  • Boundaries should be set with love and firmness, demonstrating strength and leadership without being authoritarian.
  • Setting boundaries is a continuous process that requires self-reflection and adaptability.


My favourite quote from the episode:
"A boundary is saying to the other person in front of you, I matter, my needs matter and I need to set this boundary for myself."

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Speaker 1:

Hello, my dear friend, welcome back to another episode of the Curious Neuron podcast. My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host. Today, we are talking about those moments, as a parent, when you feel pretty shitty about the consequence or the boundary that you're setting with your child, while at the same time, knowing that this is the right thing to do. It is not an easy emotion. I think that emotion needs its own word. I experienced it this past week pretty strongly and I realized that perhaps this was something that I can talk about with you. And so, my dear friend, that is what we are going to talk about. But before I begin, I do want to thank the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute and the McConnell Foundation for supporting the Curious Nourn podcast. Without, without them, this podcast would not be here, which is the truth. And I'd also like to thank you, the listener, for taking the time to listen to the podcast and to rate it and review it. And if you haven't done so yet, please do so and send me an email at an info at curious neuroncom, just to let me know that you did this, and I will send you a discount code for the upcoming Reflective Parent Club that is going to be launched in September. So, if you don't know yet, we are currently in the testing phase of the Reflective Parent Club and what I'm doing now is taking a few parents. I've taken a few parents in July and I will be taking a few more. I've taken a few parents in in July and I will be taking a few more parents in August that are testing the model that we're building.

Speaker 1:

My team and I are, first of all, the meeting we had last week. We were all just jumping with joy with certain things that we're trying to implement in the program. Basically, it's a space where you can finally feel cared for and supported as a parent. It's not about putting on all these courses and this extra work on your back. That exists and that's enough. We don't need that as a parent. But, as I've been talking with parents and interviewing parents which, by the way, you can be one of those parents if you click my calendar link in the show notes because I want to reach 100 parents this summer and talk to them about their parenting journey.

Speaker 1:

So everything that I'm creating for this Reflective Parent Club is based on the parents that I'm talking to and their needs. I want you to have a space where you're like finally, someone has listened to what I need and a lot of what parents need is a place to connect. They still want knowledge. You are part of Kirsten and many of you enjoy that science piece and I don't want that to disappear. But there's a place that you need where you can.

Speaker 1:

It's not about solutions to your problems, but it's about how to reflect through what you're going through in order to kind of come up with your own solution, because there isn't a one size fits all kind of thing when it comes to parenting and some people try to make it seem that way, but it's not so. All these parenting books that give solutions and ways that we can solve these problems, I feel that I can't relate to them. What I want to do is empower you, the parent, so that you could become resilient and lower your stress and feel less overwhelmed because you are nurturing your needs and you are able to think through situations that you are encountering. So that is the whole goal of this community that I'm building, and I, as well as the people on my team, are just so excited as we are building this, because it's a space that we want for ourselves. So join the Reflective Parent Club waitlist. The link will be in the show notes. I am going to have a one-time discount code for the launch in September and you need to be on this waitlist if you want to receive that code. It's really important to join that waitlist and so that way you won't miss the code when it comes out. And that will be the only time that I put out a discount code for the Reflective Parent Club, because we've tried our best to lower the price and give you as much as we can with what we are offering. So that's all I have to say for that.

Speaker 1:

All right, so, without giving too many details about which child, because I try to keep their privacy, you know their life private, because I know there are family members and people that we know listening to this. But one of my kids went through something last week where I had to set the strongest boundary that I've done before, which was not attending an event with the family, and I knew that this was really important to them. My husband and I made the decision together and realized that we had to because of what this child had said and there was a disrespect to what had happened. They refused to apologize to one of their siblings. This is like a one-off thing. This has never happened to me before where I've had to be really strict. And you know, I think sometimes that we don't realize that a child might not know what being rude sounds like, or sometimes they do, but sometimes they don't, and so we've been trying our best to explain tone and how tone can be disrespectful and how the words we use can also be disrespectful. But in this situation it was an outright refusal to apologize to one of their siblings and we had to be firm on this to one of their siblings, and we had to be firm on this.

Speaker 1:

And leaving my home with my other two kids was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do as a parent so far. Both my kids were in the car, crying, while my husband stayed home with one or the other child, and they were crying because they. It really hurt and I felt like such a shitty parent leaving this house without one of my kids for a family event. It was so damn hard and I just kept in my head saying like, why am I doing this? And so I wanted to share the situation because if you have encountered this, once it happens, or even preparing yourself before it happens.

Speaker 1:

I have come up with some reflection prompts or an activity to kind of work through this, and as I reflected on this, I journaled about it, I thought about it while I was going out for a walk. There were a few things that crossed my mind. In addition to that, I also had a conversation with a parent because, like I told you, I'm trying to reach 100 parents and so almost every other day I'm having a conversation with a parent. That's leading me to rethink about things that are happening or things that I'm doing, because these conversations are so connecting and beautiful and empowering. And so this one parent said well, cindy, because I was telling her about the situation. She said are you a people pleaser? And I was like, yes, I used to be a lot more and I've learned to set boundaries.

Speaker 1:

But then I realized that this sort of feeling of feeling crappy because of the boundary or the consequence that I set with my child was falling back into old ways of just wanting to keep that person happy, especially since it was my child. And what's interesting is that in that moment I felt like I was making my child sad, but it was their actions that they needed to learn were not right, and they were rude and disrespectful and mean towards one of their siblings. And so I had to stay firm on the boundary. I stayed firm on the boundary. I left. I left the home, but through the work that my husband and I did well, my husband did and the conversation he had with this child we were he was able to finally allow that child to see the consequence of not apologizing and how that is hurtful to the person that you should be apologizing to. And so my husband did text me, you know, a little while after and said come back. You know, we're going to join you guys at the party. And there were many conversations that followed this event with that child so that they could understand the significance of what had happened.

Speaker 1:

Now I think this particular situation could happen to you in very small ways, or in big ways in the way that it happened to me, when I think back to moments where I felt shitty but knowing that this was the right thing to do. It could be something as simple as saying no to a second serving of a dessert or a late night snack that my child wants, and they want something very sweet and you're like, well, it's not the right time, where you kind of battle yourself in your mind. You're like, well, it's not the end of the world. Or you say no and you see that they're so sad and that it meant a lot to them, and so you give in, and it's really easy for us to give in to those moments. But we have to think about the boundary, the boundary itself and why it is so important for us to set certain boundaries with our kids. Now, you know, if you let go of that boundary or you're not as firm every once in a while, that's OK.

Speaker 1:

But if you reflect on today's conversation and this episode and you think you know what, I'm not really setting a lot of boundaries and I might be, you know, that sort of pendulum might be swinging towards being a little bit more permissive with my child, because I've noticed that when somebody else sets a boundary with them, they really, really struggle with it Then perhaps it's time for you to step back, grab your notebook if you have a curious neuron notebook and really think about how and when you are setting boundaries, and whether or not you are able to set them, to stay firm on them, and how you feel when this is happening right. So here are a few reflection prompts to kind of work through this skill of setting boundaries as a parent, whether it's with your child or even with your partner, I think it's really important for us to set boundaries with the people that we love family members, in-laws, colleagues, bosses and realize how empowering it is to set a boundary, because a boundary is saying to the other person in front of you I matter, my needs matter and I need to set this boundary for myself, and in that moment that person, including your child, might not be happy about it, but staying firm on it in the long run helps them build respect and trust, because they know that you will set that boundary and they know that you are being true to yourself, and that is something really, really powerful. I learned to set boundaries the more empowering it was and no matter how uncomfortable it was to set certain boundaries with certain people. I have learned that you are better off setting that boundary, even if that person gets upset with you in that moment and feels like you are disrespecting them by setting that boundary. In the end, you feel good about yourself because you have set that boundary and they will notice maybe not the first time, maybe not the second time, but I promise you that they will notice that you are standing up for yourself, and that makes a huge difference, and it includes your child setting these boundaries.

Speaker 1:

So if your child is being disrespectful towards a person, another sibling, towards you, you setting that boundary sets the stage of I will not let you speak to me that way or I will not let you behave that way. I am the leader of my house, of this house. I am your leader and I'm here to show you that boundaries are important, and I hope that one day you set these boundaries too, right? That's what your boundary is setting as an example. Okay, so write these down, whether it's on a post-it, in your notebook. Open up your phone and write these down in your notes, the notes section of your phone.

Speaker 1:

So, is there a boundary that you struggle with setting or holding with your child? Write this down. Why is this particular boundary important for them? Why is this particular boundary important for them, right? So if it's, I don't know, speaking rudely or learning how to accept a no, why is this boundary important for them? Think about their future and how not having practiced this boundary can impact them.

Speaker 1:

Now, what would setting this boundary look like? So if it's about them being rude and you saying, stop being rude, that's not really the boundary, how are you going to set this boundary? What will you be? What will you say to your child If they don't follow the boundary? What will a consequence look like? So you are proactively creating a game plan so that, when it happens, it's almost like you've already done it in your mind and you feel ready for it, rather than it coming to you like a surprise and you're like, oh shit, what do I do now? Or what do I say Right, you are getting ready so that when it happens, you are ready to lead and take charge. Now also anticipate how your child will respond. Most probably they will be upset, they might yell, they might, whatever it is. Anticipate it or write down two, three different ways that they will react to this. How will you show your strength and leadership in that moment? To maintain that boundary or to set the consequence? Now, showing strength and leadership is not about being authoritarian. It's not about showing yourself being strong and disrespectful and setting them in their place. That was the old way of parenting, but now we know that it's being firm, not moving away from that boundary or the consequence that you have set, but doing it with love. I will not let you speak to me that way and if you continue, I will have to ask you to stay in your room for X amount of time, depending, obviously, on your child's age, or if you don't do this, I will have to stop you from I don't know. You know we won't leave to go to the park today or you won't be able to have your screen time later. Whatever the consequence is, set it and maintain it. So I hope that these reflection prompts and that this topic sort of guide you this week.

Speaker 1:

When your child does something where you need to set a boundary, and you know when you feel, like I said at the beginning, both crappy for what you are making your child feel, but at the same time know that this is the right thing to do.

Speaker 1:

You don't have to push that emotion to the side, whatever we're going to call that emotion, but you don't have to kind of say like I shouldn't feel this way, feel that way, it's okay. It's okay to feel more than one emotion at the same time and it's okay to feel shitty sometimes as a parent, but you know that, in the long run, what you're doing is the right thing. Focus on that and then move on. Move past it and know that you are being the right parent and leader for your child. That will lead to healthy development and a healthy relationship with them. That will lead to healthy development and a healthy relationship with them. Boundaries lead to a healthy relationship. They need boundaries and we need to know that we can't keep them happy all the time, and that's okay. We can still love them in those moments when we set boundaries, and you can still love yourself when you are disappointing somebody that you love, including your child. I hope you have a beautiful and lovely week. I will see you next Monday. Bye.