Curious Neuron
Curious Neuron takes a balanced & mindful approach to parenting that is grounded in science. Parenting is much more than knowing how to handle our kids's behaviour. It requires us to know how to manage our own emotions and behaviours which takes lots of practice, learning and unlearning. We take a more holistic approach to parenting and not only help you understand your child's development but also support your parenting journey by helping you nurture your well-being and personal growth.
Every Monday we chat with an expert or summarize a research article in a relatable and applicable way. Our host, Cindy Hovington, mom of 3 and neuroscientist has chatted with leading experts in health, behavioural psychology, leadership and social sciences including Dr. Bruce Perry, Dr. Marc Brackett, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Dr. Kristen Neff or authors like Justin Baldoni, Amy Morin and Stephanie Harrison.
Parents say that "listening to Curious Neuron is like receiving a warm hug from Cindy every week" because parents feel seen, validated, more knowledgable and less alone in their journey. Listen now!
Join our community by visiting our website, following us on Instagram or Facebook, or get personalized supporting in your parenting journey by joining our membership called The Reflective Parent Club.
Curious Neuron
You don't have to re-create a "new you": focus on getting to know yourself instead
Constantly striving for an idealized version of yourself might not be as beneficial as it seems. Do you ever wonder if the endless pursuit of self-improvement is actually doing more harm than good? Join me, as I challenge the pervasive self-help culture that pressures us into relentless self-improvement. Inspired by an enlightening anecdote from Phil Knight's "Shoe Dog," I'll highlight the value of embracing our inherent traits and accepting our flaws. Discover how true self-acceptance can lead to healthier mindsets and better relationships, without the overwhelming pressure to be someone you're not.
In this episode, we'll also explore practical ways to reflect on self-improvement without feeling overwhelmed. Learn how simple tools, like using the word "because," can help you identify and understand the root causes of your stress. I'll share insights on making small, manageable improvements by recognizing your strengths and focusing on what you don't need to change. Plus, stay tuned for a sneak peek into our next episode where we'll dive into the intriguing world of lying and truth-telling with a researcher from McGill University. Don't forget to subscribe for more insightful discussions!
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Hello, my dear friend, welcome back to another episode of the Curious Neuron podcast. My name is Cindy Huffington and I am your host. Today we are talking about something that's been bothering me, not personally about my life, but about what I've been seeing online, and I think we need to have this conversation because I think this might help some of you that might be struggling with what I'm seeing. So I'm talking about this new you, better you, new version of you, change yourself, whatever those self-help books or people online are talking about, which I have fallen into at some point, I'm sure, but I'm starting to realize that that's not really helpful and I want to make sure that we have this conversation today together. It's a solo today, so you're stuck with me. I don't have an interview for you, but next week I am going to publish the interview that is with a researcher from McGill University here in Montreal, and it's all about kids and lying and truth telling. It is one of the most fascinating conversations I've ever had with the researcher one of many, obviously, but one of them and the entire episode is just filled with information that I wish I would have known a little bit earlier.
Speaker 1:So make sure you are subscribed to the podcast so that you get notified when it comes out next Monday. And if you're not subscribed, please click that button. And in addition to that, if you haven't done so yet, please take a moment to leave a rating and to review the podcast. When you do that, it kind of bumps the podcast up a little bit and that shows our sponsors that you are enjoying it and you're sharing it and reviewing it and share it with your friends. If you like this episode or the episode next week, there's a share button somewhere and if you don't know, just send me an email info at curiousneuroncom I'll show you how to share it. It's that important to me because the sponsorships are dependent on this. So, speaking of sponsors, I would like to thank the Tannenbaum Open Science Institute at McGill University, here at the Neuro actually, and the McConnell Foundation. They are both the sponsors of the Curious Now podcast.
Speaker 1:That does not mean that this is a job for me. This is still extra. This is something that I do because I absolutely love it, and having these conversations with these experts and bringing that to your home is something that brings me absolute joy. So make sure that you do support the podcast by sharing it with any community that you know. Oh and, by the way, if you did leave a rating or reviewed the podcast, whether it's on Spotify or on Apple podcasts, send me an email at info at curiousneuroncom and I will send you a $10 coupon code for the reflective parent journal that I have up on the website. So instead of $30, you can have it for 20, and it's 100 pages of reflection prompts and I know that sounds overwhelming, but it's broken down into different categories so that if you're struggling with your relationship, for instance, or the relationship with your child, or your own values and your boundaries, you can dive right into that particular section and start the reflection prompts that will lead you to an answer you know, in terms of how to start working on that aspect of your life. So it's not that overwhelming. And I've been hinting away regarding the fact that I'm going to be launching a community in the fall the Reflective Parent Club and I'm just so excited. We are building this in the background and I have some really excited team members that are parents themselves and want this to get started sooner than later. I'm taking what I've done with the workbook and bringing that into a live format.
Speaker 1:So if you're somebody who keeps saying you know, I want to improve myself, I want to work on my well-being, I want to nurture that for the first time, and you know it's not about necessarily always seeing a therapist. Sometimes we are mentally well but we're not. Our well-being needs some, you know, support and we fall in this sort of gray zone that we're not super well, um, but we're not unwell either. So we need some support there and I want to give you the guidance. I want to train you with the skills and the tools that you need so that you can reflect and support somebody else in your life who says something like this is stuck on my mind that you can help them out. I put the waitlist link in the show notes so that way, if you, if this is something that is interesting to you, make sure you do fill in that form, because you will get a discount when it launches in September and I want to make sure that you don't miss that. So click the link in the show notes, all right?
Speaker 1:So I was reading. I am currently reading the book called Shoe Dog by Phil Knight. I'm enjoying it so much and it's the story of Nike. He is the founder and there was a part that kind of got me laughing and then, because of how I am, I kind of stopped reading and reflected on that for a while and then I realized that this was happening a lot more often, reading and reflected on that for a while and then I realized that this was happening a lot more often. So he was talking about right after getting married and that his new wife had to learn about all his flaws, which were very common, so being absent-minded, her asking him to go get something at the grocery store and he comes back with nothing. Him forgetting where he puts his keys and his you know belongings, whatever items. Him just dropping clothing on the floor and it stays there, and him always having a lot to think of because he was trying to run his own company and there's a lot that that goes on and just really not being present and her having to understand that this was who he was. And that's what I want to focus on for our conversation today.
Speaker 1:When I say something like that is who I am right. So I've had this conversation with friends and family members where somebody might say but this is who I am, but the qualities that they're talking about might not necessarily be conducive to building strong and healthy relationships in their environment, whether it's with their partner or friends, and they might say this is who I am and it's a quality or a personality trait that's leading to some really uncomfortable moments and difficult challenges between that person and other people around them. So when I think about this is who I am, I also think about a lot of the social media stuff that I see, where it's about the new you right Books that talk about that as well, like transform yourself, develop all these habits, become a new version of yourself. So this kind of contrasts what I just said, because I'm saying that some people say, well, that's who I am, and I'm saying, well, I'm kind of bothered by self-help books and social media accounts saying that we need to change ourselves. So there's a twist. I know you're confused right now, so here's what I want to try to get across as a point today it isn't about changing who you are. I don't want you to find a new version of yourself.
Speaker 1:I think that it's important that we try to become more attuned with ourself, more connected with ourself, and understand ourself a little bit more. Once we do connect a little bit more and start understanding ourselves. We might say well, I've noticed that I get in really heated debates with my partner when I don't validate their emotions. Or I noticed that I get into these heated arguments with my partner when they don't validate my emotions. It's almost like it's a trigger and I go from anger to rage, right. So the more we look inward, right, which is the whole point of all this.
Speaker 1:All of these self-help books are kind of, I feel, sometimes imposing new habits, new ways of being, new ways of thinking, but it's not allowing us to dig deep and go inside to reflect on our own habits and our own ways of being. That might be having a really big impact on our well-being and our mental health and the relationships around us and our friendships and so on. In addition, I think that when we're in a relationship, we kind of do that sometimes with our partners where we want to impose a new version of them, and I feel that sometimes that could be a lot of pressure, and I've sort of had this discussion with my partner a few times with my husband, where you know we do that. I think it's unintentional, though I think it comes from a good place, where it's like well, you do this and it's annoying to me. So stop it. Right, like I think things would be better if you wouldn't do that.
Speaker 1:But we don't realize that sometimes things are ingrained in them and part of their habits, and that they might not even have the insight or awareness to a struggle that they're having. So why not, with our partners, bring awareness to certain things that can be causing struggles in our relationship or in our marriage? Or a friend who has a certain habit that you want to bring awareness to? Why not bring awareness to it in a very positive way, because we care deeply for that person or we love them and we know that we can't change them? But it doesn't mean that we can't bring awareness to whenever they use a certain tone or they say something and it makes us feel very hurt or shamed. Maybe they don't have awareness to that, Maybe they do, and that's a different. Shamed. Maybe they don't have awareness to that, maybe they do, and that's a different story. But if they don't, bringing up awareness in terms of when you say it that way, it makes me feel this way, or when you say that I don't feel connected to you or it doesn't make me feel loved by you.
Speaker 1:These are not comfortable conversations, and I have this written down as a topic for another podcast, because my husband and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary this week and we shared what we enjoy about each other and my husband said to me that he really loves the fact that I bring up uncomfortable conversations and I think there's a whole episode there, because I think we do step back from doing that. But I digress, we're going to talk about that in another podcast, but for today, I just really really want you to reflect on the what is it that you are imposing on someone to change and what is it that you feel the need to change about you? And now we're going to take that word change away, be more specific and bring a positive twist to it. Bring a positive twist to it which habit or skill can you work on to improve your own well-being or improve relationships in your life? And, looking at the person in front of you your partner or a friend or a family member which skills or habits would you like them to work on? That would make things easier and make you feel more connected in that relationship that you have.
Speaker 1:Can you have that conversation with somebody rather than saying you never do this or you always do this and just leaving it as something, that is, you know something that you don't enjoy about them in a negative way, and really opening up our eyes to the language in that conversation, how it makes us feel if somebody tells us that and how that would make the other person feel. And also, we need to focus on one thing at a time, right, if you need. And that's why I don't like this whole new you version or improving not improving yourself, but like recreating yourself, because that's a lot of work, it's just too much, it's overwhelming and we don't need that kind of stress as parents. We have enough on our plates. I don't want an entirely new version of you. You don't need that. You just need to become again aware of certain skills or habits that you have that you might want to change.
Speaker 1:And there's another book I'm going to talk about in a different podcast episode and I'm going to be bringing it up in this community that I spoke of. But it talks about at least identifying, becoming aware of that new habit or skill that you would like to work on, one at a time, but then also, in contrast, writing on a sheet of paper what, the what it is that you will be working on and how are you going to do that? So if you notice that you snap, you know very quickly at your partner. Take notice of that, right? So just saying I noticed that I snap when they, when we have an argument, is not detailed enough. We need more information. When do you snap what was said right before you snapped? Maybe it wasn't even about what was said right before, maybe it was the five hours before that, right, and it's 6 PM and your partner says something to you. But you've been handling a lot of these micro emotions throughout the day, whether it's with kids or a family member or a boss or a colleague, and all of these little moments when you had to regulate yourself and not snap. And then with those that we love, that's when we let go and then we snap with our kids, with our partner. So I think that it's really important that we take the time to, you know, collect more information and once we collect more information, we notice patterns and when we notice patterns then we can break those patterns. But without knowing the pattern we can't break the pattern. So we need more information.
Speaker 1:It's the same thing when I talk to parents about stress when they say I'm stressed. Well, that's a pretty general statement. What are you stressed about? I'm stressed about work. All right, now we're going to bring in the word because. I'm stressed about work because and I'm sure I've said this on the podcast before but I'm stressed about work because and I'm sure I've said this on the podcast before but I'm stressed about work because there's a colleague of mine who is just overwhelming and rude and you know I can't deal with that person anymore.
Speaker 1:Now we've kind of targeted the stressor. Now we can dig a little bit deeper and find out is it what they're saying to you? Is it how you're interpreting what they're saying to you? Is it the workload, is it the boundaries that you haven't set right? There's so much, and this is why I really believe that when I say you might have noticed a huge change in the way that I'm talking about Curious Neuron online on the website curiousneuroncom, on Instagram, on LinkedIn, on Facebook I'm talking about proactive parental well-being.
Speaker 1:And when I say that it's knowing how to reflect through difficulties that you're having and then how to work through it, it's almost like you're coaching yourself. And when we begin to do that, we begin to solve the problems that we're having or at least pinpoint something that needs to change and start the steps to change that right. So that's what I mean when I say don't just look externally and say I need to become a new version of myself. Look inward. What do I want to work on? Why? What is the evidence of this? Like? Why do I think I need to work on this? Collect your evidence, collect your data.
Speaker 1:I know, listen, I just realized that I'm turning you into a scientist, but there's a benefit to that, because we have more information and it's not just these general statements that are heavy on us. Right? Like? I need to work out, I need to have a better mental well-being or mental health, I need to be a better parent, I need to be a better wife. All of a sudden, those are four very heavy tasks or undertakings that I can't do all at the same time. And now I always have this stuck on my mind, and now I'm overwhelmed and now I'm even more stressed. Right, that's what I want to avoid with you. You have enough on your plate, my dear friend, and I don't want want to avoid with you. You have enough on your plate, my dear friend, and I don't want you to feel that you need to change every single aspect of yourself. And if you do feel that way if you're listening to this and you're saying you know what I do, I want to change every single thing about me then let's switch the conversation to what don't you have to change. Grab a sheet of paper, grab a pen and write down things that you don't have to change.
Speaker 1:Are you resilient? Are you good at setting boundaries? Are you direct with your words? But you need to be a little bit more careful with the way that you say it. But being direct is a good thing. I have my best friend who's direct, and I love it about her. She's direct and kind and compassionate at the same time. So it allows you to know that that's coming from a place of love and that's really important. But as you are thinking about what you want to work on, remember what you don't have to work on.
Speaker 1:It's almost like when we tell our kids everything that they're doing wrong and we forget to tell them the things that they're doing right. Do the same thing for yourself. What do you like about yourself? What don't you want to change? Write it down, see it visually, see it written in front of you and then start the little steps towards making small habit changes or small improvements in certain skills that you have. When we look at it that way, it seems manageable. And that, my dear friend, is all for today.
Speaker 1:I hope you have a beautiful and wonderful week. Don't forget. If you feel that you need somebody to speak with, send me an email. Info at curiousnorncom. I'm also going to put the link to the waitlist and I'm going to put the link to my calendar in the show notes, because I am trying to speak to 100 parents by the end of this summer. That's a lot. It's a lot of parents, but I want to talk with you. I want to see what's happening in your life so that I can keep shifting curious neuron towards what your needs are and not just what I think your needs are. I want to know it. I'm collecting data. Help me click the link in the Calendly. Link is in the show notes. The waitlist link is in the show notes. Reflective parent journal is in the show notes and besides that, that's all. Have a beautiful week, everyone. I will see you next week. Don't forget, the episode is about lying and telling the truth and you don't want to miss it, subscribe to the podcast. See you next time. Bye.